Libido, pain and penetration: check out eight myths about sex – 10/22/2023 – Balance and Health

Sexual myths are everywhere; This could be attributed to what you learned about sex education, what was said in schools and even medical schools, or the fact that many adults find it difficult to talk about sex with the person who regularly sees them naked. Whatever the reason, misinformation about sexuality and desire is common.

“There are so many myths out there,” said Laurie Mintz, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. And, she added, they can “cause a lot of harm.”

For this reason, the report contacted a group of sex therapists and researchers and asked each one to share a myth they would like to see disappear.

Here’s what they said.

Myth 1: Everyone is having more sex than you
“Strangely, this myth persists throughout life,” said Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of the book “Yes, Your Child: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teenagers and Sex” (free translation, 1st Ed.).

Many teens think “everyone is doing it,” she said, leading them to engage in sex they simply aren’t ready for. This myth can also make older people in long-term relationships feel bad, like they’re the only one going through a supposed dry spell, when in fact they may just be experiencing the natural flow of desire.

“It’s pretty common to find that about one in three people haven’t had sex with a partner in the past year,” Herbenick said, referring to several nationally representative surveys. She also points to research she’s worked on showing that sexual activity has declined in recent years for reasons that aren’t fully understood. (Some of the experts’ hypotheses are that the drop has to do with factors such as the increase in sexting [mandar mensagem sexual] and online pornography, as well as the decline in alcohol consumption among young people.)

“It can help normalize these periods of little or no sex with a partner,” said the doctor. “That said, for those looking for longevity in their partnered sex life, it’s important to think about sex holistically.” That means taking care of your physical and mental health, she said, and talking about your feelings with your partner to maintain a sense of intimacy and connection.

Myth 2: Sex means penetration
Sex therapists often lament that people get stuck in certain “sexual scripts” or the idea that sex should unfold in a specific way — usually some foreplay leading up to intercourse.

But “we need to move beyond defining sex by a single behavior,” said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of “Ladies First.” He noted that this type of limited thinking contributed to the difference in pleasure between men and women in heterosexual encounters. For example, one study found that 75% of heterosexual men said they had orgasms every time they had sexual activity in the last month, compared to 33% of heterosexual women.

One survey found that 18% of women orgasm from penetration alone, while 37% said they also need clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. Instead of rushing into intercourse itself, the focus should be on “external intercourse,” the therapist said, which is an umbrella term for any sexual activity that doesn’t involve penetration.

“If you look at most popular movies, the image is of women having these quick, fabulous orgasms from penetration, and the foreplay is just the build-up to this main event,” said Mintz of the University of Florida. “This is really harmful and scientifically false.”

When surveying thousands of women for her book “Becoming Clitoral,” Mintz found that the percentage of women who said they orgasmed from penetration alone was 4 percent or less.

Equating sex with penetration also excludes people who have sex in other ways. For example, Joe Kort, a sex therapist, coined the term “sides” to describe gay men who don’t have anal sex. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist, said this view also ignores people with certain disabilities, as well as those who simply don’t like penetration. Many people find greater sexual satisfaction with things like oral sex or “even just body contact,” she said.

Myth 3: Vaginas don’t need lubrication extra
Postmenopausal women sometimes describe the pain they feel during penetrative sex as feeling like “sandpaper” or “knives.” But while vaginal dryness affects older women at a higher rate, it can occur at any point in life, Herbenick explained, which has consequences for women’s sex lives.

An estimated 17% of women between the ages of 18 and 50 report vaginal dryness during sex, while more than 50% experience it after menopause. She noted that it’s also more common while women are breastfeeding or during perimenopause, and that certain medications, including some forms of contraceptives, can decrease lubrication.

“As I often tell my students, vaginas are not rainforests,” said the doctor, noting that in her research she found that the majority of American women have used lubricant at some point. “We can feel aroused or passionate and still not lubricate the way we want.”

Myth 4: It is normal to feel pain during sex
While lubricant can help some women experience more pleasure during sex, it’s important to remember that sex shouldn’t cause pain. It is estimated that 75% of women experience pain during sex at some point in their lives, which can have several causes: gynecological problems, hormonal changes, cancer treatment, trauma — the list is long.

Shemeka Thorpe, a sexuality researcher and educator who specializes in the sexual well-being of Black women, said many women believe that pain during or after sex is a sign of good sex.

“We know that often people who end up developing some type of sexual pain disorder later in life actually felt sexual pain during their first sexual encounter and continued to experience sexual pain or vulvar pain,” Thorpe said. “They didn’t realize it was a problem.”

Men may also experience pain during sexual intercourse. Experts emphasize the importance of anyone experiencing pain during sex seeking medical advice.

Myth 5: Men want more sex than women
“Desire discrepancy is the main problem I deal with in my practice, and by no means is the partner with the greatest desire always the man,” says therapist Ian Kerner. “But because of this myth, men often feel a sense of shame about their lack of desire and a pressure to always initiate.”

(Laurie Herbenick further recalled the related myth that women don’t masturbate, which she says prevents them from fully exploring their sexuality.)

But while there is data to suggest that men masturbate more often than women, it’s not true that women don’t want sex, nor that men always do, said sexologist Brown-James. For example, a recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more throughout their lives, but men and women experienced very similar desire fluctuations throughout the week.

Myth 6: The desire must happen instantly
Sex therapists and researchers generally believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous, or the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue, and responsive, which arises in response to stimuli such as touch.

People tend to think that spontaneous desire — which is what many lovers experience at the beginning of relationships — is somehow better.

But Lori Brotto, a psychologist and author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Pleasure,” said much of the work she does is normalizing responsive desire, especially among women and those in long-term relationships.

It helps to understand that it is possible to have sexual relations without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent. Brotto likens it to going to the gym when you don’t feel like it. “Your endorphins start flowing, you feel really good and you’re grateful you went afterwards,” she said.

Myth 7: Planned sex is boring
She also disagrees with the idea that “planned sex is bad sex” because it makes it “clinical, dry and boring.”

This view is “very harmful”, said the psychologist. And it results in many people treating sex as an afterthought, only doing it late at night when they’re exhausted or distracted, Brotto said, if they find time at all.

When clients resist the practice of scheduling sex, she asks: Are there many other activities in your life that you love or that are important to you that you never plan or put on the calendar? The answer, she says, is generally no.

Planned sex can also foster responsive desire, Brotto said, giving “arousal time to heat up.”

Myth 8: Your penis is no good enough
Men are under a certain amount of pressure when it comes to how their penises look or function, says psychologist Ian Kerner. Younger men, he says, believe they shouldn’t have erectile dysfunction, while older men get the message that premature ejaculation is something they outgrow with age and experience.

The data tells a different story. Although erectile dysfunction—defined as a consistent inability to achieve or maintain an erection, not just occasional erection problems—tends to increase with age, it also affects about 8% of men in their 20s and 11% of those in their 20s. 30 years. And 20% of men between the ages of 18 and 59 report having premature ejaculation.

“We don’t have a little blue pill to make premature ejaculation go away, so we’re not having the same cultural conversation that we have with erectile dysfunction,” Kerner said. “We’re just left with the myths that guys with premature ejaculation are bad in bed or sexually selfish.”

Likewise, studies show that many men — gay and straight — worry that their penises are not big enough, even though many partners say they have no preference for an especially large penis. “Partnered sex is complex,” the therapist said. “It involves touching, tuning in, connecting, communicating.”