How to stop making appointments you want to avoid – 09/16/2023 – Balance

If you find yourself accepting invitations to do things you don’t really want to do, you’re not alone. It’s easier to commit to something you’re not sure about as long as it occurs in the future, says Hal Hershfield, professor of behavioral decision-making and psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles.

Hershfield found that we often agree to things we don’t want to do because we tend to hold onto a more aspirational version of our “future self”—we like to think we have more time, interests, and generosity than we actually do. Then the event approaches, the truth is revealed (we are still the same person) and we are stuck with a feeling of regret.

Use the strategies below to set a more realistic schedule.

USE YOUR CURRENT SCHEDULE AS A GUIDE

An empty schedule, says Hershfield, leads us to “think the future will be a magical land of free time.” So before you commit to something a few months away, take a look at the last two weeks of your schedule to get a clear idea of ​​how much time you typically have in a week.

IMAGINE THAT THE COMMITMENT IS CLOSER

If an event is months away, Hershfield suggests, imagine it happening in the next week or two. Would you commit? If the answer is no, it probably won’t look attractive anymore in a few months, he says.

STILL HESITATING? THINK ABOUT THE COST

If you’re on the fence about a commitment, evaluate the benefits by asking yourself a few questions. You can imagine how accepting it fits into your main goals, like exercising or making more friends. Or, says Hershfield, you can ask if what you fear is “a one-time event or something that will lead to other invitations?” Another good question: will showing up matter little to you, but will it make a big difference to someone else? In this case, the hassle might be worth it.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUTURE

If you’ve committed to an event or know life is going to get busy or stressful, be kind to yourself by practicing “pre-care.” This is what therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab calls the act of “creating practices that reduce future stress.”

“What can you do today to prepare for what’s to come?” says Tawwab. Maybe set aside time to be alone or increase the time you spend with friends. What feels enriching is different for everyone, Tawwab points out, but “you should avoid anything that doesn’t feel very enjoyable.”

Translation Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves