Tips for winning a partner in 2024 – 01/13/2024 – Balance

If you’re in the field for dating in 2024, chances are you’ve already missed a few plays. Maybe it’s an outdated profile that you can’t review or a match that you keep exchanging messages with, despite not seeing a future in the relationship. Maybe you are still haunted by someone who “turned into a ghost” and disappeared suddenly.

These forms of romantic hoarding are symptomatic of an app-based dating culture in which people are conditioned to constantly swipe and seek out new potential partners, even if “that’s not necessarily what’s best for their mental health,” says Nick Fager, a mental health counselor who serves clients in New York and California.

“Each of these people that you interact with, that you start conversations with, takes up a little bit of psychic space,” he says. “You can only take on so many new relationships until you start to feel a bit burnt out.”

Fager and other mental health and dating experts shared strategies that can help organize your love life and bring a renewed sense of clarity and calm.

EVALUATE WHAT YOU REALLY WANT

If your love life feels confusing and messy, spend some time identifying your goals, recommends Samantha Burns, a mental health counselor and dating coach in Boston. Are you recovering from a relationship and just want to have fun? Are you looking for a long-term partner?

“A disordered love life feels chaotic,” she says. “It sounds like you have no real framework for making dating decisions.”

Lamont White, a professional matchmaker and dating coach in Atlanta, points out that it can be helpful to look back at past relationships and dates and write down what you liked or what you thought was missing. He takes a hard line on dating if you can’t clearly articulate what you want. “People who don’t date with intention should stay out of the field,” says White.

Therapy can also be a valuable resource “for people in dating life to become really self-aware,” says Lisa Blum, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California. “You have to ‘fix your selector’ so you don’t attract relationships that don’t really serve you.”

SET LIMITS ON APPS

Dating clutter, like all electronic debris, can easily infiltrate your phone. There are no hard and fast rules, experts say, but White advises using no more than two dating apps at a time so you don’t get overwhelmed.

Burns recommends communicating with no more than three to five people at a time — and making a mental commitment to message anyone you “swipe right” on. This helps ensure that swiping isn’t a “dumb process” or a “temporary ego boost.” It may also be a good idea to set a time limit for communicating with matches, such as 20 minutes a day, she suggests – and to exclude contacts or conversations that didn’t happen.

If you feel any kind of connection with a match, try moving your interactions offline as quickly as possible, recommends Fager. He recognizes how scary and time-consuming it can be to go on a date or even call someone, but texting non-stop also takes a lot of time and mental effort.

“I think it’s best to save your energy for that date,” says Fager. That way, he adds, you won’t be projecting your romantic hopes onto “30 different matches” that are unsuitable.

BEWARE OF THE GHOST

Fager knows that there are times when ghosting, when someone disappears without responding, may be necessary, as matches are sometimes dishonest or even dangerous. But coming full circle, when possible, can be restorative for both, he says.

“I totally understand the impulse to ghost. I’ve done it,” admits Fager. “But I think people don’t realize how much it leads to things like burnout.”

Lack of closure in the relationship can be emotionally draining for both sides.

Keep things simple, he suggests. Instead of dragging out an online conversation or holding on to a “situation” that goes nowhere, you can say something like “that doesn’t seem like a match,” recommends Fager, or even just “bye.”

LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS

There are often moments in the early stages of getting to know someone that can give you an idea of ​​how they will treat you in the future, says Blum. Paying attention to them can be enlightening, she says.

Blum uses as an example a friend who started a promising conversation with a man she met in a restaurant. But on their first date he insisted on taking her to a seafood place, even though she told him she was vegetarian. He ordered a huge seafood platter, while she chose the only salad on the menu.

“We tend to make excuses and try to justify behavior,” notes Blum. Don’t invest your hopes in a match that starts off on the wrong foot, she says. “This helps avoid confusion from the start.”

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