The combination of alcohol and isolation was an end, or almost, for many – 7/11/2023 – Vida de Alcoólatra

The bright light, the same sense of failure and sadness. The figure of a person whispering. I asked who it was, where I was. A good amount of time passed (at least in my mind) and the woman –now I could clearly see her face, her curly hair and the lime green braces on her teeth–, said to me, sharply: “Hospital, leaving the ICU , girl. Don’t-remember-anything-that-happened?”

No, I didn’t remember. That feeling of sadness was gradually being interspersed with small visions (all mixed up) of a very sad day. The day I decided that nothing else mattered and that my life was simply a burden for everyone around me. That’s when I decided to drink all the alcohol I could find ahead of me and also all the medicine, to help anesthetize. I started to cry and the same girl came to me: “Why are you crying? Did you know that you are occupying a bed for someone who really needs it?” I then felt even worse and almost went out pulling out everything that was in my veins to erase it for good.

This happened in mid-2011 and today, in 2023, I remember it all with a huge rage. It came to mind because we just went through a pandemic in which hospital beds were completely taken over by people sick with Covid-19 and the health system collapsed. If we had things to do on the street, ok. If we had essential jobs, ok. If not, let us stay at home. I, an alcoholic, was scared from the first moment.

Isolation is one of the worst situations for the disease of alcoholism. Recognized by the World Health Organization (WHO), with thousands of carriers in every corner of the planet, it is still not considered a disease by society — at least not in Brazil. What I experienced in the hospital that day illustrates this perception well. The girl who told me that was a doctor on duty. Professionals care for the sick. Aren’t alcoholic patients sick? Now imagine the situation of these people at a time when ALL diseases were overlooked for a second moment.

Covid-19 brought an avalanche of other problems than just itself. With everyone focused on surviving that virus, gel alcohol began to be an essential object in homes, in purses, in public places. It was everywhere. Gigantic pots. But who would have thought that this would be fatal for many alcoholics? In normal situations, it is not recommended that a carrier of alcoholism have at home any type of substance that contains alcohol in the formula. And, at that moment, everyone needed to carry a bottle in their purse, it wasn’t enough to have just one at home. With each pass of alcohol in the hand, the old smell reappeared under the nostrils of alcoholics, recovering or not.

This caused many people who frequented the AA rooms I usually go to to relapse. But gel alcohol? Non-sick friends are startled when I tell them. Yes, it’s overwhelming, the disease is treacherous and many people couldn’t stand being alone with that ubiquitous smell.

Alcoholism is a fatal, progressive, incurable disease, so we learn from the AA literature. And, yes, during the pandemic it was fatal for many people. The combination of alcohol plus isolation was an end, or nearly so, for many.

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