How to talk about unhappiness in marriage – 07/23/2023 – Equilíbrio

For couples who see a bit of themselves in stories of people breaking up after growing apart over the years, experts say there are simple but helpful questions to ask yourself and your partner before it’s too late.

See three of them.

Am I honest about what I want?

Megan Murphy, a mental health counselor, encourages couples to ask themselves, “What do I want from my relationship? And am I getting it?”

“Can you be honest with yourself about it and then can you bring that honesty into the relationship?” she says. These are important and often difficult questions to explore, and Murphy emphasizes that therapy can help. Sometimes it can be better to start with individual rather than couples therapy, she adds, as it provides a safe environment to say what you want out loud.

Do things between us seem dull?

Elizabeth Earnshaw, a marriage and family therapist, often counsels couples who worry they may have fallen into a rut. In the case of a couple who spend a lot of time watching TV, for example, she encourages them to consider questions like, “Is this a way to get the two of you out of the relationship?”

“Be frank and direct about what you’re noticing, and also ask what the other person perceives,” says Earnshaw. “Something like, ‘Hey, honey, things are looking dull. Have you noticed?’ Then ask what your partner might need to feel engaged in the relationship.”

Are we putting enough energy into the relationship?

Couples must sometimes be reminded that it takes energy to maintain romantic relationships — though Earnshaw acknowledges how challenging this can be when dealing with the pressures of work, parenting and other factors.

Still, couples should strive to “continuously assess” what’s important to them and do what they can to set boundaries around daily tasks that drain energy from the relationship, Earnshaw says.

She adds that it can be helpful to start by asking, “What is the role of stress and busyness in our life together?”

“When couples remain in a state of low relationship energy,” says Earnshaw, “it becomes harder and harder to get out.”

Translated by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves