How to support someone who lost a pet – 03/10/2024 – Balance

On the North American program “The Daily Show”, host Jon Stewart was emotional when announcing the death of his beloved three-legged spotted pit bull, Dipper — an emotional report that exemplified the deep sadness that many pet owners feel.

When an animal dies, owners lose companionship, affection and “just unconditional love — and we don’t find that in many places in our lives,” says Sherry Cormier, psychologist and author of “Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss and Grief.” [Doce tristeza: encontrando a integridade duradoura após a perda e o luto, em português].

Our society tends to be “grief-phobic,” says Cormier, and there’s a sense that the feelings brought on by the loss of a pet are relatively low on the hierarchy of grief, or that it’s something people should deal with. be able to cope and overcome quickly. Cormier and other loss experts said that’s not always true; and shared ways to help a loved one through the loss of a pet.

Validate the loss

The loss of a pet can lead to disempowered grief, meaning it is not validated or recognized by the world at large, says Michelle Crossley, associate professor at Rhode Island College and vice president of the Pet Loss and Grief Association. . Therefore, “many people end up suffering in isolation for fear of rejection from others,” she says, adding, “They worry they won’t understand or they will minimize the loss.”

Be simple when expressing your condolences, says Cormier. She suggested something like, “I know your pet was such an important part of your life and family. I can see how much he meant to you and how much you already miss him.”

Animal grief is often complicated by feelings of guilt if your friend or loved one chose to euthanize an animal to minimize suffering, Cormier says. She did this with two golden retrievers, but noted that the circumstances were quite different. One lived a long and happy life; the other had to be euthanized unexpectedly because of an aggressive brain tumor.

Resist the urge to say “I know how you feel,” she warns, even if your intention is simply to express empathy. “Every person’s grief is unique,” she added.

Ask how you can help

Rituals are an important part of the grieving process, says Crossley, but are sometimes overlooked when an animal dies. Perhaps her friend would like to have a memorial service, she suggests, or would like to make a keepsake box with photos and some of her pet’s favorite toys.

If your friend or loved one is experiencing anticipatory grief—that is, she knows that an animal is aging or likely to die soon—you might want to ask if you can help plan “bucket list” activities that she would like to do. with your pet. You could consider giving your friend a meaningful gift. For example, Crossley has seen people turn the animal’s water bowl into a vase. (She has a shelf where she keeps the ashes of the five dogs she lost, along with their photos and footprints, she noted.)

Remember the physical component of losing your friend. “People report a really intense physical desire, often comparing it to what they imagine the loss of a limb must feel like,” said Judith Harbor, a veterinary social worker at Schwarzman Animal Medical Center in New York who helps lead support groups. pet loss support (which are another option for people who are experiencing acute grief after the death of a pet). There’s no easy solution to this desire, she says, but sometimes an object to hold or hug, like a blanket that belonged to the animal, can help.

Reminisce with your loved ones

The fact that people sometimes feel embarrassed to open up about how much they’re missing their pet can contribute to feelings of loneliness and isolation, Cormier says. Simply encouraging them to share stories, photos or videos of their pet, if they’re willing, can help them feel less alone in their grief, she said. And, if possible, listen more than you talk.

Be there for the long haul

The experts all noted the common misconception that pet-related grief doesn’t last as long as other types of grief. But it’s cyclical, Cormier says, and she urged people to check in with friends and loved ones not just days or weeks after a loss, but for months or even years after the fact.

Don’t ask if your friend or loved one plans to get another pet, says Harbor. She lamented that almost everyone she counseled after the loss of a pet was asked this question. Grief takes time.

“Don’t forget them,” Harbor says of grieving pet lovers. “Check in and give them time to talk about your pet with you. This is really meaningful because people often feel like the world is spinning and time is passing and no one remembers their pet.”