How to apologize sincerely – 03/17/2024 – Balance

Why is it so hard to apologize? Saying what you feel involves vulnerability, says Lisa Leopold, a researcher who studies apologies. “We also have to admit our own mistakes, our own failures,” she adds, “and that requires tremendous humility.”

The ingredients of a successful apology can vary, but here are a few that many experts agree on.

EXPRESS REPENTANCE Don’t say “I want to apologize” or “I’d like to apologize,” says Leopold. “A lot of people use this language,” she says, but expressing a wish isn’t as effective as apologizing.

Instead, say “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry.” Using an “I” statement also strengthens your excuse by taking responsibility, she said.

EXPLAIN YOURSELF, BUT KEEP IT SHORT Being specific about what you did can make the other person feel understood, said Beth Polin, associate professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University.

But be honest and brief. Skip justifications and excuses, she said, because an excuse “shouldn’t be about making us feel better or defending our actions.”

ACKNOWLEDGE ANY DAMAGE YOU HAVE CAUSED Polin found in her research that taking responsibility is one of the most vital parts of an apology.

“We really care about someone admitting our mistakes,” she said. And while it’s tempting to say you didn’t mean any harm, Leopold suggested keeping your intentions to yourself. “People don’t want to hear these justifications,” she said, “because it undermines accountability.”

SAY YOU’LL TRY NOT TO DO THIS AGAIN Reassure the person that you will do your best not to repeat the offense, suggests Polin, adding that this “rebuilds trust and confidence.”

OFFER TO FIX THE ERROR Pairing the apology with a promise to right the wrong is more likely to receive forgiveness than the statement alone, says Leopold.

Be specific about how you will compensate the person, says Polin, adding that you can ask the person for suggestions.

ASK FOR FORGIVENESS (BUT GIVE UP EXPECTATIONS) The last step, says Polin, is a gentle request for forgiveness. She recommended asking a collaborative question like “How can we get back to where we were before this happened?” Doing so “invites the other person into that trust repair process,” she said.