Envy: How to make the feeling work in your favor – 01/21/2024 – Balance

Envy, the feeling that arises when you realize someone is better off than you, is something many of us recognize. And while the green-eyed monster can stir up feelings like resentment or defeat, it can also be motivating.

So how do we make the tendency to “compare and despair” work to our advantage? I asked experts for advice.

RECOGNIZE THE FEELING

If you feel a surge of envy, first, admit it, said Robert Leahy, director of the American Institute of Cognitive Therapy and professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College. “Giving space for envy and noticing when it appears allows people to not be afraid of it.”

It’s okay if you feel jealous of a friend, says Leahy. Your emotions are probably more complex. “You might think: I love my friend, I appreciate what he does for me and his good qualities, and I envy him,” he said. “You don’t need to reduce your thoughts or emotions about a person to envy.”

Don’t react impulsively to envy, said Manuel Gonzalez, assistant professor of psychology at Montclair State University. Instead, explore what you’re fixating on when you feel envious, he said. What questions does this bring to your own life?

Use this information to clarify your own desires and ambitions, says Gonzalez. Then ask yourself: Why am I jealous of this person? How can I use this person as a role model? What can I learn that might change my own situation?

COMPENSATE ENVY BY CULTIVATING GRATITUDE

You can combat feelings of envy by practicing gratitude, “as it’s difficult to be in both states at the same time,” said Christine Harris, a psychology professor at the University of California, San Diego. When you’re overcome with envy, she said, list all the things you appreciate in your own life (you can write them down if it helps.)

“Envy empties you, gratitude fills you,” adds Leahy.

And take comfort in knowing that envy can lessen over time, says Harris. His research found that young adults are more envious than older adults.

But if envy is making you depressed, angry, overwhelmed, or causing you to avoid people, it may be helpful to seek counseling, says Leahy.

This article was originally published in The New York Times.