Eight things you should never say to your partner – 02/03/2024 – Balance

A friend of mine, a couples counselor, stopped by to see me after a long week. He sank onto my couch, closed his eyes, and said, “You know what phrase I’d like to ban couples from saying? ‘I never said that.'”

It was a phrase, my friend told me, that he heard almost every week. And once someone said that, the entire session usually turned into an argument about what the person said or didn’t say.

This got me thinking about other phrases therapists wish couples would stop saying during conflicts. Here are his suggestions, why we should avoid them, and what to say instead.

Generalizations

“You always…” and “You never…” These terms are often exaggerations and don’t recognize the efforts your partner is making, said Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist who works with individuals and couples in Washington, D.C.

And your partner might get defensive, he added: “Then you’re not even having a problem-solving conversation. You’re just going into full-on discussion mode.”

Instead of dwelling on the past, make an effort to stay in the present. “When you go back to the story, the conversation turns into something else,” Gaines said. Focus on the problem at hand, he added. (You might say, I’m noticing you’re not helping with getting the kids ready; here’s why this is bothering me.)

Deviations

“Yes but …” Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University and author of “Love Every Day,” said she hears this phrase all the time.

One person will express a concern and the other will agree — but add a caveat. (“You were 10 minutes late,” one person might say. The other might respond, “Yes, but you were late last week.”)

Using the word “but” implies that “it was kind of mechanical for me to honor your concern, but actually, I don’t understand it or validate it,” Solomon said. Instead of mounting a defense, she said, mirror your partner’s words and feelings. Try saying something like, “What I’m hearing from you is…”

Comparison

“You should be more like _____.” Comparing your partner to someone else is never a great strategy,” Gaines said.

“I see this a lot: ‘Well, Danny takes his wife out three times a month,'” he continued. “Danny is a different person. Your partner is a different person. You can only be who you are.”

Playing the comparison game can lead to jealousy, Gaines said, and “create a lot of issues with self-image and self-confidence in a relationship.”

“That’s never been a problem in my other relationships.” This verbal bombshell “really undermines the trust and security you have with your partner,” said Wonbin Jung, a therapist in Silicon Valley who specializes in treating LGBT couples.

“The hidden message I hear as a therapist is, ‘The problem we have in this relationship is because of you.'” Keep other people out of it, Gaines said, and focus on talking about your own needs. This may make you feel more vulnerable, but it is much more productive.

Disqualifications

“You are exaggerating.” No one person is “the actuary of emotional responses,” Solomon said. A person cannot determine what reactions are appropriate, she said, adding that phrase is often used to avoid responsibility.

Instead of judging, Solomon said, you can say, “‘OK, I’m listening. Tell me more. Help me understand what you’re struggling with.'”

“Calm down.” Asking your partner to calm down almost always has the opposite effect, Jung said. “It’s like oil on a fire. Just like ‘You’re crazy.’

If one partner is agitated, or both are, Jung often advises that they take a short break and calm down. Or, Jung said, you can ask your partner, “What do you need right now?” (Maybe it’s being helped, listened to, or hugged.)

“It’s not that important.” When you say one of your partner’s concerns isn’t serious, it’s diminutive and inaccurate, Gaines said.

“You can’t measure how something makes someone feel,” he added. “You don’t have a point of reference. You can’t make that assessment.”

Instead, Gaines said, respectfully acknowledge that you have different perspectives. Then ask your partner to help you understand why an issue is important and offer any support you can give.

Gaines told me that his wife, Noémie, is organized and tidy, while he is not. Once, he said, he left a bowl of dirty oatmeal in her freshly cleaned sink; she jokingly accused him of “trying to destroy her.” My husband and I have a similar dynamic. After hearing Noémie’s quote, I used it on my husband when he left a smelly pile of his cycling clothes on the floor. “You always make me laugh,” he said. (That’s the good kind of “you always.”)