‘Women need to have composure’, my grandmother said when I was drinking – 02/26/2024 – Life of an Alcoholic

One of the most delicate moments in my recovery was the death of my grandmother. She was my floor for a long time. I spent 39 years of my life with her — as an adult, almost always drunk. We never talked openly about how serious my alcoholism problem had become, but I’m sure deep down she knew. It was impossible not to notice my absences (when I was hospitalized), my sadness (when I relapsed), my smell (when I drank non-stop) and my absurd loneliness (when I hit rock bottom).

She was a very important figure in the family and we had a very strong connection. To the point that almost every time I got into a lot of trouble because of alcohol, the phone would ring and she would say: “Alice, I was thinking about you!” It was chilling. I lived with her at some point, when I had nowhere else to go.

There was so much partnership that if anything happened to her, whether it was the cancer she had when she was 90, or pneumonia, my family would try to hide it from me for fear of my reaction. They were afraid I would do something stupid. Many times, in fact, it was in her that I found some strength to believe in myself.

Dona T. was sweet and tough in equal measure. There were countless times that she told me: “Drunk men are a disgrace, women are unacceptable, Alice.” She liked to drink, but she always drank little. Until the last years of her life, she never wasted a moment to have a beer. But that was it. One beer and that’s it. I stood there, watching… Did she ever lose her temper?

My grandmother suffered a lot watching my father drink and cause countless discomfort for the family, and she certainly became a codependent. She suffered trauma and I’m sure she was very scared when she realized how often I was getting drunk. “Sit up straight, Alice. Women need to have composure.”

Because of her and for my own safety, I started not wearing skirts or any clothes that could expose me when I drank. In other words, drinking started to affect the way I dressed. “You look like a man”, she complained when she saw me in pants and a loose t-shirt. I don’t know what to say technically about female alcoholism, I just know that alcohol took away any vanity from me. When I went into my alcoholic loop, I wouldn’t shower for days and I wouldn’t sleep well. And then I spent the day practically passed out in the corners.

One day my older brother tried to cheer me up and took me to work with him. It was incredibly hot and I remember he had to turn off the air conditioning to open the windows. According to him, my smell was unbearable. He got angry and gave me a lot of insults, saying I needed to become a person again. Of course I cried a lot, first because I didn’t understand anything anymore. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror, I didn’t get in the shower. I just numbed myself.

At one point he felt like he had been too heavy and started joking that he was going to buy me some nail polish at the pharmacy. He even made fun of the brand name. We both laughed, he tried to shake me, to shake me out of my daze. It was difficult. I was already in alcoholism limbo. In that place where reality is no longer the same and feelings are mixed.

This issue of vanity has always been very prevalent. I was never very interested in getting ready, I wanted to be practical. I thought parties scheduled for nine or ten at night were a pain. What would I do between the end of the day and the start of the party? If you were right, my grandmother said, you would dress up for the party and not stay at the bar drinking. He gave me advice when I called to report my whereabouts. (There was a time when I had a certain sense.)

Of course, a lot has changed. This dialogue took place between a woman born in the 1920s and another in the 1980s. Mrs. T. was right about me, but it wasn’t the clothes that would define me as more or less interesting. The issue was alcohol. While finishing this column, I took a look at Instagram and saw a controversy about women drinking beer, whether it is elegant or not.

If it is elegant? This is complete nonsense, the result of the machismo that is still ingrained in society. A woman can do whatever she wants, and feel free to do whatever she wants. I’m the one who can’t, an alcoholic woman. I can’t drink, the rest I can do almost anything. Today there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t apply cream. Look at the evolution. I do sports every morning and then take a shower. Does it seem like little? If you are an alcoholic woman, you know this is not the case.

I see more and more women looking for help. There was a lot of drinking at the parties I attended while active. The curious thing is that if someone was embarrassed by a drunken woman, it was always more tense. The adjectives started to appear, the nastiest ones. A man is a drunk, a woman is a slut, a prostitute, crazy, crazy… At least I was all of that.

My grandmother witnessed two years in which I took care of myself, two years without drinking. It seems like she waited for this to leave calmly. She is with me in my thoughts every day, her words still reverberate a lot. But she knows I’m fine. And going through her death without drinking was wonderful. I was able to say goodbye and be by her side until the last minutes, finally playing the role of a granddaughter who managed to repay her for how much she helped me.

*

Follow the blog Vida de Alcoólatra on Instagram

LINK PRESENT: Did you like this text? Subscribers can access five free accesses from any link per day. Just click the blue F below.