What are the ’emotional crumbs’ used to manipulate – 12/09/2023 – Balance

Imagine you met someone on Tinder. You started communicating and getting along well, until you felt confident enough to share your profiles on social media.

The conversation then changed platforms and you have been communicating for weeks on Instagram. Every now and then, you post a story on the platform and they leave an emoji. And when you share a photo, he likes it and leaves comments.

Sometimes he says good morning to you via direct message. On other occasions, he sends photos at work to show something of his daily life.

Until you believe that, as he is connected with you on social media and you like the way he is, it’s time to take the next step. You invite him out, to get to know each other in person and thus start a new type of relationship.

That’s when he starts making excuses. He says he is very busy, has a busy schedule or is even sick. And he can never find you.

But, while he stops accepting your invitations, he continues to interact with you in the same way on social media. And you keep responding, hoping to someday find him outside the internet – which never happens.

If this hypothetical behavior sounds familiar, you may have been a victim of what some psychologists call emotional breadcrumbing.

It is a pattern of behavior in which a person shows interest in another intermittently, but constantly, without having any real intention of committing emotionally, nor establishing a formal relationship, according to psychology professor Raúl Navarro Olivas, from Universidad Castilla. -La Mancha, Spain.

And it is also a practice of manipulation.

“The person who practices breadcrumbing sends signals to the other because they intend to maintain their attention or intermittent reinforcement”, explains the professor. “He seeks, with inconsistent messages over time, to make the other person always present.”

It is impossible to identify its origin, but we know that this is not a current phenomenon. What is recent is the use of the term breadcrumbing.

“Many terms are appearing, especially in the Anglo-Saxon world, that we have no way of translating accurately. This sometimes makes research difficult”, he comments.

In addition to breadcrumbing, the teacher refers to concepts such as ghosting or love bombing, used to designate certain behaviors that are not new, but have been enhanced with social media.

Some of these terms are similar and related, but, as Navarro Olivas explains, they are separated in research for better understanding.

Breadcrumbing is already adopted by behavior experts in countries such as Spain, India and the United States.

To explain the term, the psychologist compares emotional crumbs with the functioning of slot machines in casinos. They are based on the same logic of intermittent reinforcement.

The machines offer a prize to players, but at random. No one ever knows when it will happen, so the person keeps trying.

“In breadcrumbing, there is a pattern of rewarding the other person by offering some type of contact and then giving something negative or silence”, says Navarro Olivas.

He adds that the victim may suffer consequences for their mental health. Therefore, it is important to identify the practice and seek help to get out of this type of relationship.

The standards

In a study he authored, carried out in Spain and published in 2020 in the academic journal Escritos de Psicología – Psychological Writings, Navarro Olivas and other researchers highlighted that “just over three in every 10 participants” in the study indicated that they had suffered breadcrumbing.

The research also revealed that the use of dating apps, short-term relationships or the habit of monitoring someone else’s online conduct increases the possibility of suffering and exercising this pattern of behavior.

It has become common in recent times for one person to monitor the other’s behavior on social media in case of romantic interest. According to the study, this is a way to “reduce” uncertainty about the partner. But it can also make someone question the relationship, creating tension and causing breadcrumbing.

“Technological development has made it more frequent”, explains the professor. “It’s easier to carry out this behavior on social networks and dating apps, where there isn’t necessarily direct contact with the other person.”

The clearest pattern of breadcrumbing is intermittent communication, whether through digital platforms or in person.

“Inconsistency is accompanied by very erratic behavior,” according to Navarro Olivas. “When the person most interested in the relationship proposes plans, the practitioner of breadcrumbing is not clear when it comes to meeting.”

The psychologist indicates that another common pattern in breadcrumbing is the provision of incomplete information.

To avoid keeping commitments, the “perpetrator” may omit details about their family or friends, preventing the other person from getting to know them. He may also refuse to be introduced to the victim’s intimate surroundings.

“The people who throw these crumbs may provide some details about their personal life, to keep the person’s attention, but there is no very deep emotional communication”, he comments.

Likewise, people who practice breadcrumbing do not present future plans. “Excuses will arise for not committing to a long-term commitment, which does not coincide with their behavior when continuing to talk to the other person”, highlights the professor.

The breadcrumb

The lack of studies on the subject makes it difficult to create profiles of perpetrators and victims of breadcrumbing.

But Navarro Olivas highlights that, although he doesn’t like labels, from what is currently known, narcissistic personality traits are usually found in people who release emotional crumbs.

“There is a certain logic, because what the person wants is to receive positive reinforcement from the victim,” he explains.

According to the Mayo Clinic in the United States, narcissistic personality disorder is a “mental health illness in which people have an unreasonable air of superiority.”

Therefore, they try to attract the attention of others so that they admire them. But, deep down, they are unsure of themselves and have difficulty understanding the feelings of others.

“[Alguém que pratica o breadcrumbing] He likes to be told things, to be worried about him, but above all he likes to have control over the reinforcement that will be given”, explains Navarro Olivas.

Some research also indicates that people with avoidant attachment are more likely to engage in breadcrumbing. “Because they are characterized by the need for approval, reinforcement from others, but they have difficulty making emotional connections”, says Navarro Olivas.

“These difficulties don’t justify their behavior. But they make them conform more to the idea of ​​breadcrumbing, that they need others but have trouble connecting emotionally. They avoid commitment because it produces anxiety or stress.”

The practice may also be related to anxious attachment, which occurs when someone establishes a bond of emotional dependence with another person, but fears failure in the relationship or being abandoned.

“We didn’t expect people who practice breadcrumbing to have anxious attachment, because it would seem more like a trait of the victims,” ​​explains the professor.

“But we conclude that they are, which is probably related to the fact that they need to connect with another person who meets their emotional needs, but because they fear abandonment, our theory is that breadcrumbing is a way of testing whether the other person is really interested.”

Its consequences

People who suffer from emotional dependence or low self-esteem could be at risk of staying longer in toxic relationships, including those based on breadcrumbing, according to the researcher. But he adds that anyone can fall victim to the practice and suffer emotional consequences.

“It’s harmful,” says Navarro Olivas, “because it attacks our most important psychological need, which is to belong and bond with other beings.”

“And, although it wasn’t part of the studies, I believe it can generate acquired susceptibility. That is, when you fail in your relationships, you believe that, in some way, this will happen again.”

According to a study published in the Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, experiencing breadcrumbing can cause dissatisfaction with life and increase feelings of loneliness and helplessness.

Given this, the Spanish psychologist recommends establishing assertive communication when someone is interested in establishing a relationship with you. He explains that it’s not about “making a checklist” of things that the other person must meet, but rather making it clear from the beginning what the expectations are.

But, above all, Navarro Olivas is of the opinion that any victim should seek support from people they trust and a therapist.

“Talk to those around you, comment on what is happening to get an external view”, advises the psychologist. “When you have romantic interest, you may not notice the negative side.”

“In psychology, it is customary to insist that a person must be resilient, that they need to have an inner strength that allows them to overcome adversity. But I like to see resilience not as an individual trait but as something that arises thanks to people that surround us”, concludes the professor.