The phases of child care – 04/24/2023 – Vera Iaconelli

Before getting into the theme of childcare, I want to make it clear that I am completely opposed to theories that impute supernatural powers to mothers. If they acquired such proficiency, this is due to the transmission of knowledge between generations, social expectations, experience being cared for, gender identifications and a lot of training. I insist on this in order not to echo the ideals that consider that women have superhuman powers in caring for their children, saving the face of those responsible.

Still, women have been the people who take care of children’s bodies since birth. They learn to smell breath, hear wheezing, examine feces, skin color, assess temperature, liveliness, expressions of sadness, joy, sleep, hunger, fear, excitement long before the specialist starts giving a hint. In fact, as Winnicott suggested, depending on how the specialist enters, all this sensitivity can be inhibited, generating a great loss of acquired skills.

Packed with the experience of taking care of babies or small children alone, we put into second gear and continue scrutinizing their bodies, now separated from ours, trying to guess the hidden meaning in each sigh and babbling. When they are not born from our body, we do the same, there is no advantage or disadvantage, only challenges. Here, all roads lead to Rome. In general, children are cared for at this level for a couple of decades, despite increasingly restricted access to their bodies.

The separation of bodies is one of the crucial passages of so-called maternal care, the kind in which women specialize. This separation starts back there, when the baby refuses to accept what comes from her, making it clear that the body is his, that we must take care of it, but in moderation. Gradually, the child imposes more limits on the mother’s interference.

But the medical, psychic and pedagogical examination of mothers continues to operate throughout life with its radar on health and mood. No sooner had she had breakfast than she already checked her sleep, her diet, her youngster’s disposition, even in her late twenties. The process is usually unconscious and stems from the absolute accountability that we incarnate in dealing with them and from love, of course.

It’s obvious that we eat countless balls, because we don’t always want to know what’s going on. Especially when it’s something that goes against our expectations, when our excess of affection and closeness prevent us from seeing them. At that moment, uncles, godmothers, teachers and therapists are even more welcome.

As long as the baby’s tyranny reigns, there is no gratitude on the child’s side – and God knows that in the worst cases ingratitude can last a lifetime! With maturity, some recognition and reciprocity is expected.

Confusing care with maternity, there are those who think that without the “holder of the portfolio” childhood is compromised. The answer is simply no. What matters is the quality of care and the dignity with which it is assumed. Many parents, grandparents and uncles know exactly what I describe here and can attest to it.

How to stop occupying, caring and ostensibly worrying after decades? With a certain relief of no longer having to dedicate himself fully to them. But also with a great rearrangement of the libido engaged in a task that is intertwined with the very youth of women. This welcome operation is called mourning.

As the children separate, they will have a chance to discover what kind of “self-caregivers” they have become.

Question that mothers will also have to answer about themselves.

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