Tati Bernardi: Is life boring? – 04/16/2023 – The Worst of the Week

Alice, 22 years old, writes to me to say that “despite being very young, she finds life very boring”. She’s afraid of when she gets to my age: “If with so many parties, love possibilities, physical disposition and collagen I’m bored, what will become of me when I’m old like you?”. Well, Alice, I have good news: I just got over life as a drag a little while ago.

Let’s start with the parties. Maybe you’ll find out, over the years, that you don’t like 86% of the people you meet and that you’ve been kind of unhappy at 92% of the celebrations you’ve gotten yourself into. But by the time your lower back starts hurting enough for you to learn to be selective, how much assholes, bad music, terrible drink and stale mouth you will have endured. Low back pain is the price you pay for the greatest release: discovering that a good sofa is better than more than half of humanity.

About the infinite love possibilities in youth, that’s bullshit. First because I, even though I was called old by you, I always have about ten unsuspecting ones sending me fire on social networks. Then because if it was good to have sex with several people, I would never have spent my life looking for one.

Looking back, most women my age say “I was only really happy in bed with so-and-so” or “I had two or three good sexual partners, the rest didn’t suit me so much”. Half of our sex life is not even good enough to become chronic, half of the other half of our sex life is only good to become chronic. Of the remaining 25%, half were better than the rest, but we discover, a posteriori, that we could have been much happier sleeping or buying socks. What’s left are three or four people. That’s in twenty years of love and sex life! And I’m not talking about character, I’m talking about performance, generosity, chemistry and delivery. I’m terrible at math, but the truth is that with a lot of luck, the girl who had the misfortune of only liking boys meets a good one every five years. And you thinking you had to be happy because you have five at the same time. That’s false.

Disposition is not all that wonderful either. At her age, I was often in doubt whether I wanted to travel, go to a party or a concert. And doubt is an insufferable waste of time. Now, always using the conditioner instead of the shampoo because I don’t see what is written on the package and with the feeling that I have a dengue fever that hasn’t healed for about seven years, I pass out in bed long before I stop to think more than two minutes about leaving home. The time I would spend weighing the pros and cons of entertainment is swallowed up, without complications, in a kind of pre-coma induced by the exhaustion of having real problems, which until ten years ago I had no idea what they were.

Collagen farewell is the one rave I unfortunately couldn’t escape. Thank God I’ve skipped all the electronic raves I’ve been invited to, but some insane clubbing happens to my body in the early hours as every morning I wake up flabby, bloated, blotchy and wrinkled. To you, Alice, this looks bad. And the only thing that makes us different is that in my case I’m absolutely sure it’s really bad. But I still prefer it to waking up absolutely poor and at a boyfriend’s house who says “it’s nitroglycerin in a vein, brother”, which was my case at 22 years old.

Anyway, Alice, old is your mother. And I bet she finds life less boring than you.

---

Tati Bernardi answers the most unusual questions and strangest comments from her readers. Do you want to participate in the O Pior da Semana column? Send your message to [email protected]

PRESENT LINK: Did you like this text? Subscriber can release five free hits of any link per day. Just click the blue F below.