Signs of psychological violence – 03/27/2023 – Equilibrium

Psychological violence involves manipulation, attempts to scare a person and the frequent and deliberate use of non-physical words or actions that weaken another person emotionally, as defined by SaveLives, a UK-based organization dedicated to combating this type of abuse.

The consequences of psychological abuse are just as serious as those of physical abuse and can cause health problems such as depression, anxiety, stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, eating disorders and insomnia, according to the UK’s National Health Service (NHS). in English).

In this text, we will focus on psychological violence in romantic relationships.

It may be that the aggressor does not value the achievements of the partner, makes humiliating comments or jokes, invalidates his emotions or blames him for situations for which he is not responsible. There are many facets and forms, but in general there is a set of actions that occur over time – it is not just a one-off behavior.

“This violence is characterized by its subtlety, and the symptoms are usually more masked”, explains Silvia Vidal, psychologist and creator of @queridaneurona, Instagram account that was born during the pandemic.

Due to its peculiar characteristics, psychological violence is difficult to be identified both by the person who suffers and by the people who live with it.

We talked to psychologists and listed signs of this type of abuse below.

1. Loss of ‘essence’

The first care is to observe if there has been a change in the pattern between what the person was and what he is now. In short, see if it has lost its “essence”.

This includes changes in how you perceive her physically, how you relate to her, and how you view her emotionally. She may have stopped doing certain hobbiesdoesn’t dress the same or change details that were important before.

Behind closed doors, this person may be in constant tension over what they can or cannot say, may have to hold back tears to keep their partner from saying they are overreacting, or avoid doing certain things so that the other does not get angry.

And this is not normal at all.

“In a relationship, you need to have peace of mind and you don’t have to hide things,” says Vidal.

2. Distance and control

Again, it’s about seeing if there’s a change in pattern. For example, if the person you suspect is being abused now barely has time for friends or family, or even talking on the phone like they used to, that could be a sign.

It is important to distinguish at which point in the relationship this occurs. Isolation from abuse is not the same as what can happen at the beginning of a relationship, when you don’t want to be with anyone but your new partner and, Vidal recalls, “it’s in that moment of passion that usually ends.”

The hidden face of this distance is usually the control by the aggressor, knowing what the victim does, with whom and where. This will isolate the victim from family and friends. How does the abuser do this? For example, talking badly about them in a subtle and prolonged way over time.

If the person you suspect is being psychologically abused keeps in touch with you, you may be able to catch glimpses of that control. It could be that she constantly sends photos or location to the abuser or asks you to stay hidden.

3. What counts and how they count

An important factor is that victims often say little or nothing about the relationship, the partner and what he does.

“The abuser tries to make the abuser not look like a bad person, preventing people from seeing what happens,” explains Vidal.

And, if the victim tells something, it may be that he seeks to justify the actions of the aggressor.

“He did this to me because I deserved it”, “I’m a bad person, I deserve it”, “I demand too much from him”, can be some justification phrases.

These statements reveal a facet of abuse: the guilt felt by the abused person.

“This emotion tells us many things and, in this type of relationship, it is a sign that something is wrong because in a relationship there should be no culprits. Ask yourself if you are always, in the relationship, the one who feels guilty. If so, check what’s going on,” says Vidal.

4. Emotional dependence and doubts

With the psychologically abused person, there is an attachment to the abuser that extends in intensity and duration beyond what is usual in the first few months of dating, and is different from the healthy dependence that exists in human interactions.

From the outside, this is reflected in the loss of autonomy: the victim has no control over her own schedule and depends on the aggressor to make decisions.

We can also see that the abused person doubts everything and demonstrates insecurity. This, along with emotional dependence, is the result of the constant manipulation she is being subjected to.

“There is a brutal loss of power and all ability to discern what is real from what is not, what I am and what I am not”, says psychologist Sandra Ferrer, founder of @programamia, an online psychology venture for women.

5. How do you behave when you are with your partner

It is possible that the victim’s social circle has little contact with the abuser, but if there is, it is important to know that people who exercise psychological violence tend to have narcissistic profiles, according to Vidal.

“But abuse is almost never detected [nesses encontros]. It may be that some slips appear, such as a very fixed look at the victim or orders to shut up”, says the psychologist.

Both she and Ferrer advise observing how the victim behaves on these occasions.

“It gives the feeling that this person is not who they are next to the person who is violating them. You don’t recognize them, you don’t notice their spontaneous, free and fluid facet”, says Ferrer.

To this, Vidal adds that the victims, especially when they are with their aggressor, “don’t take the initiative, they don’t give an opinion, they keep quiet and agree”.

What to do and what not to do in these situations

• Both Silvia Vidal and Sandra Ferrer recommend not counseling as soon as the victim leaves the relationship, a very common advice at the beginning of the process. This should actually be one of the last steps, according to them. “We have to understand that the person is under manipulation that they are not aware of and that, therefore, they have no reason to leave their partner. And, moreover, they will probably walk away and not say anything more about what is happening to them” , says Vidal.
• ask and listen: It seems obvious, but it is not always something done. Ask how the person is and let them talk. Listen actively, without trying to offer solutions so as not to lose the connection and trust that person has in you.
• Don’t judge, scold or tell you what to do: Saying things like “how can you take that”, “you have to leave the relationship” or “why did you get back together with that person” brings more guilt to the victim. These people are subject to constant judgment – their own and their partner’s – and if you become more of an executioner, they will back off. Instead, you can tell her how to help and support her unconditionally.
• Do not disqualify this person’s partner: In the end, it’s who she’s with, who she’s attached to. This will only force her to justify herself more and increase the likelihood that she won’t tell you more. She may even share her opinion with the aggressor, which is another stimulus for her to walk away.
• respect your pace: You have to be very patient with friends who are in abusive relationships. It may be that, from the moment abuse begins to be detected, they only leave these relationships after a month or many years. Respect the time of this decision and stay by your friend.
• help with information: Instead of voicing accusations and judgments, forward texts, speeches from experts on the subject or a book that you feel can help the victim. Don’t just present information about abuse, but also stories of overcoming it, that make you see a light at the end of the tunnel.
• And although it’s exhausting and you feel like the victim is ignoring you, don’t leave that person alone. It is essential to have patience and accompany it.