Perfectionism can be a trap; see how to avoid it – 04/14/2024 – Balance

Yuxin Sun, a psychologist in Seattle, sees many clients in her group practice who insist they are not perfectionists. “‘Oh, I’m not perfect. I’m far from perfect,'” they tell her.

But perfectionism isn’t about being the best at any endeavor, says Sun, “it’s the feeling of never getting to that place, never feeling good enough, never feeling adequate.” And this can result in a harsh inner voice that belittles and berates us.

Perfectionism is so widespread that there is a test to measure it: the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale. When researchers looked at how college students responded to the scale’s questions over time, they found that rates of perfectionism have increased over the past few decades, spiking between 2006 and 2022.

Thomas Curran, an associate professor of psychology at the London School of Economics and Political Science who led the analysis, said the type of perfectionism with the biggest increase — socially prescribed perfectionism — is rooted in the belief that others expect you to be perfect. .

Today, young people are more likely to score much higher on this measure than someone who took the test decades ago. There may be several causes for the increase: rising parental expectations, school pressures, the ubiquity of social media influencers and advertising.

The feeling of not being good enough or that “my current life circumstances are inadequate or insufficient” has created an “incessant treadmill,” says Curran, in which there is “no joy in success and a lot of self-criticism.”

Regardless of whether you consider yourself a perfectionist, experts say there are several little things you can try to control your inner critic.

Distance yourself from your thoughts

Ethan Kross, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan and author of “Chatter: The Voice in Our Heads, Why It Matters and How to Control It,” said a process called detachment is your “first line of defense” against negative thoughts.

Distancing is a way of expanding our internal conversation to interact with it differently. If you’re distressed about something in the middle of the night, for example, that’s a sign to “get into the mental time travel machine,” he says.

Start by wondering, “How will you feel about this tomorrow morning?” Anxieties often seem less severe in daylight.

The time period may also be further in the future. Will the fact that you stumbled a few times during your big presentation today really matter three months from now?

Another way to practice detachment is to avoid using first-person language when thinking about something that bothers you.

Instead of saying, “I can’t believe I made that mistake. It was so stupid of me,” someone can gain a new perspective by saying, “Christina, you made a mistake. You’re feeling bad about it right now. But you You won’t feel this way forever. And your mistake is something that has happened to many other people.”

In Kross’s research, he found that when people used the word “you” or their own name instead of saying “I” and began to observe their feelings as if they were an impartial spectator, “it was like flipping a switch.” This resulted in self-talk that was more constructive and positive than that of people who spoke to themselves in the first person. Several studies have reported similar benefits from taking a more distant point of view.

Accept what is good enough

Curran, who writes about her own struggles in her book “The Perfection Trap,” says she has worked to embrace “good enough” rather than perfectionism and its associated negative thoughts.

With perfectionism, it can feel like nothing is ever “enough.” Accepting what’s “good enough” requires letting go, says Curran. Working nights, weekends and holidays was part of his identity, but after the birth of his son, he reduced his hours, which became “liberating”.

His decisions in the past were driven by an anxious need to improve himself, he added. Now, when thinking about how to spend his time, he tries to focus on the things that bring him joy, purpose, and meaning.

It’s a philosophy shared by Canadian doctor and trauma specialist Gabor Maté, who spoke on a recent podcast that the feeling of being legitimate or worthy needs to come from within, so that people don’t “sacrifice their playfulness, their joy” for external validation.

Practice self-understanding

In general, perfectionism is often a survival strategy — it’s “like armor that you put on” to feel less vulnerable, Sun explains. So don’t beat yourself up for having perfectionist tendencies, he added.

But if that armor is too heavy, it may be time to thank your perfectionism for its service and move on, just like home organizer Marie Kondo does when discarding belongings, says the psychologist.

“Maybe you could start by taking off the arms first,” she said, and then work on taking off the metaphorical legs. You may want to seek out a mental health professional to help with the process.

“I often work with people to build that inner security,” which is the ability to give themselves the validation they need to feel calm and at peace, she says, so that one day they can say to themselves, “I accept how I am today, instead of the way I ‘should’ be.”