4 Characteristics of ‘Toxic’ Parents, According to Psychologists

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Having a toxic father, clarifies an expert, does not mean having suffered exclusively from an abusive father. There are different actions that can define this posture. 4 characteristics of ‘toxic’ fathers and mothers, according to psychologists GETTY IMAGES via BBC A few years ago, Argentine psychologist Camila Saraco realized that many of the patients who came to her had something in common: they had a “toxic upbringing”. Having a toxic father or mother, clarifies the professional, does not mean having suffered exclusively with an abusive father. “There are so many other ways that parents hurt, sometimes unconsciously,” she says. She decided, therefore, to create a course: “Toxic Parents”, to help understand which behaviors of parents are not healthy, what are the consequences for the children and what can be done by those who have such fathers or mothers. Saraco points out that a bad parent is not necessarily a bad person. “There are many mothers or fathers who are extremely good and who, out of love, unintentionally, are also toxic,” she explains. Mexican psychologist Joseluis Canales, author of several books, including “Toxic Parents: Dysfunctional Legacy of a Childhood”, published in 2014, agrees with this. Canales points out that sometimes a father is so good that he lacks authority, something that is also harmful for children. Still, he says, “It’s important to understand that all parents make mistakes and that doesn’t make them toxic.” Giving love and training What then makes an unhealthy creation? The author points out that parents have two main functions: “Giving love to their children and forming them for life”. Some parents generate losses because they fail to do the first. Others because they fail in the second. Interestingly, there appears to be a generation gap between these two groups. Parents of the so-called Baby Boomers and Generation Xers used to have more problems with providing affection and emotional support to their children. Saraco says that several of her patients, aged over 40, have problems with low self-esteem and a feeling of inadequacy that generate conflicts in the relationship, something that she attributes to a poor education from an affective point of view. On the other hand, in recent decades, the damage is often caused by loving parents who do not know how to set limits and overprotect their children, raising “tyrannical children” who do not know how to manage their emotions and suffer because they get frustrated at the slightest obstacle. What Toxic Parents Look Like It’s important to clarify that both men and women can be toxic parents. And that when both are responsible for creation, damage is caused by both. “If one member of the couple is toxic, the other is a passive abuser,” says Canales. Below, we show some of the characteristics of toxic parents, according to experts. 1. Abusive Without a doubt, parents who are sexually abusive and violent with their children are the ones who affect them most deeply. But it doesn’t take a parent to physically abuse a child to cause damage that is very difficult to heal, experts warn. Verbal and emotional aggression are also harmful, they point out. They range from disqualifying a child (“it won’t work for you”, “never mind, I’d better do it”) to “insulting them with words that hurt their integrity, like calling them an ‘idiot’, saying no one will love her or regret having her.” Canales says that “The risk is that all this becomes an internal voice”. And Saraco considers that, sometimes, “it is easier to heal a childhood with blows than one with psychological abuse”. “There are parents who become violent when they drink. In these cases, the victim may understand that the father beats him when he gets out of control and that he has the problem. On the other hand, if he grows up listening to humiliation, he assimilates it as something of his own” . 2. Manipulators Another characteristic of a toxic parent is manipulation, which Canales calls “emotional abuse.” “The axis of this form of abuse has to do with guilt. The adult plays the victim in front of the child to blackmail him and get what he wants, “she describes. Saraco notes that this feature is more seen in toxic mothers. “It happens mainly with daughters who live with their mother. The mother doesn’t want them to form a couple so they don’t leave the house, so she starts with negative comments and observations about the couple, or interference that seeks to separate them”, she says. “This makes the daughter live the relationship with guilt.” 3. Controllers This is a characteristic shared by toxic parents of different generations. But while in the past parents limited their children to get their submission, today they do it with the intention of protecting them. “Before, toxic parents imposed themselves, with very limited limits. aggressive, instead of accompanying their children’s autonomy”, says Saraco. Typical examples are parents who forced their children to study certain careers or follow certain family traditions. “The effect on the child is that he cannot make decisions. This is very seen in boys who started their careers, because disobeying their parents caused them a lot of anguish, and after a few years they abandoned it”, says the psychologist. Today, toxicity involves overprotecting children, wanting to avoid any suffering or frustration, according to specialists . “Overprotection is also an abuse, because the overprotected child learns that he cannot face life alone,” explains Canales. “Part of everyone’s learning is through mistakes. And mistakes generate frustration. You have to teach them to tolerate frustration, otherwise your child will not be able to develop in everyday life”, she says. 4. Negligent Another characteristic of modern toxic parents is that “they are very permissive and are afraid to impose limits on their children”, which makes them negligent, according to Canales, as they “neglect the physical, emotional, social and academic needs of their children”. If the negligent father of old was the absentee, or the one who did not pay attention to his son, today he is the one who “lets him eat whatever he wants, skip school, not do his homework and disrespect others”, he exemplifies. “By being negligent, they give children power that a child cannot handle in a healthy way. The little ones become the adults in the family system,” she warns. In this type of education, everyone suffers, adds the psychologist. “Children grow up unable to fit into a school, a university, a world of work, a society where they cannot do what they want,” she says. Parents feel “trapped” by their child’s tantrums. And even society suffers, because “a generation of tyrants is forming, who do not respect authority, do not have the ability to get frustrated and, being very self-centered children, have very little empathy and ability to give in to the problems of others and see the good common”, says the psychologist. How to deal with toxic parents If you grew up with permissive and overprotective parents, what you need to do is “make the decision to get out of that overprotection”, says Saraco. However, she clarifies that this is something that it can only be done when you’re an adult. “You can’t ask a child to get out of the protective toxic bond”, he warns. In this case, there are several practical tips for abusive, controlling and manipulative parents. “First, it’s important that you lose the illusion that you will be able to change them.” “Also, don’t try to reason with them, or understand how they think, because they have another way of seeing things, and you should avoid getting into arguments that lead nowhere”, says. “You have to try to get out of that place of trying to please them and like them all the time, which is what they want or make the child feel.” “And it is fundamental that you learn to set emotional boundaries and, if necessary, , even physicists”, he adds. However, the main job is with yourself, say the two experts. “We must try to strengthen our self-esteem and security so as not to give in to manipulations and not hesitate in those moments when the phrases of these parents can intimidate or destabilize us”, says Saraco. Canales, on the other hand, states that “the most important thing is to unlearn what you were taught to be love and relearn what true love is, to establish healthy relationships”.

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