Toxic fathers and mothers manipulate and belittle children – 08/14/2023 – Equilibrium

At the same time that positive parenting is popularizing among new fathers and mothers on social media, more children report having “toxic” family members during their upbringing.

The term “toxic”, which was chosen as word of the year by the Oxford dictionary in 2018, is popularly used to identify situations of psychological violence in various relationships, including parental.

In it, name-calling, screaming, emotional manipulation, derogatory speeches and blackmail are common, according to family psychologist Manuela Moura, professor at Cefac Bahia (Centro de Estudos da Família da Bahia).

“For a long time we faced family aggression as something that had a physical nature. Later we realized that there are other forms of violence that do not leave visible marks”, says the psychologist.

According to her, children who are subjected to this type of upbringing often become adults who do not believe they can be loved.

Even in childhood, there are reports of depression developing in the midst of family violence, says psychologist Belinda Mandelbaum, coordinator of Lefam (Laboratory of Family Studies), at USP (University of São Paulo).

The child does not identify psychological violence because it is not explicit, says Moura. “The problem is that the subject really believes that he is worth little. He will only realize [a violência] when you are able to see your parents as people with strengths and weaknesses, which usually happens in adolescence”.

How to spot a toxic parent

Not every disagreement qualifies as family violence. Some cases may be discomfort caused by differences between people, as is common in all types of relationships.

An alert that can differentiate something natural from a toxic environment, however, is fear, says psychologist Moura.

“Afraid to speak, to say what you think, to support your opinions, to dress the way you want,” he says. “Or when you find yourself induced to do something you don’t want to, in the name of guaranteeing the love of the parental figure”.

The WHO (World Health Organization) defines intra-family violence as “any action or omission that harms the well-being, physical or psychological integrity or freedom and the right to full development of another member of the family”.

Psychological violence is defined as “all forms of rejection, depreciation, discrimination, disrespect, exaggerated demands, humiliating punishments and use of the person to meet the psychic needs of others”.

What time to leave?

Before thinking about severing relationships, experts recommend assessing whether the family situation is a constant dynamic or a specific moment that it is going through – such as grief or separation. In the second case, they advise waiting for the period to pass.

If it is constant and the parents are not open to repairs, it may be time to move away, says Moura. “At times, we need to understand that it is not possible. Love is not guaranteed just because you are a parent”.

She warns, however, that many times the person can even change countries, but the family dynamics remains with them. “Physical distance does not necessarily guarantee protection, because you spent years of your life relating in this way”, says the CEFAC professor.

According to her, the rupture with the toxic family environment is more in the process of self-knowledge than in the physical separation, although the distance reduces the contact with suffering.

Is reconciliation possible?

After separation and a process of self-knowledge, it is possible to get closer to parents considered “toxic”, but this does not depend only on the child.

“This is very much aimed at the family’s ability to repair, of the family member perceiving and rebuilding their position. This person also needs to change. The child reconnects if that other is not the same as he was”, says Moura.

Mandelbaum says that bullies also need treatment, because they were often victims in childhood, and should not be demonized.