Sex: author gives tips for couples to improve sex life – 02/20/2023 – Equilíbrio

Vanessa Marin has dedicated her career to discussing the most intimate details of other people’s sex lives. But for a long time she found it difficult to talk about hers.

In a new book, “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life”, the 38-year-old sex therapist admits she faked orgasms for ten years because he couldn’t tell his partners what he liked.

Things got better when she met her husband, Xander Marin, now 37, but after the initial excitement wore off when the couple found themselves in front of an expensive couples counselor, struggling to articulate why their sex life sometimes seemed disappointing.

Today, the Marins have turned their radical honesty and relationship into a sex education-centric business, with a popular podcast, a set of online courses and more than 300,000 followers on Instagram.

She describes herself as someone who often felt awkward and insecure in the bedroom, despite her professional credentials. Vanessa Marin, who is not a therapist, says she offers a non-expert perspective on what it takes to feel more comfortable talking about sex.

“Many of us feel lonely when we struggle with sex,” she says. “Like: I must be broke; I must be the only person going through this; everyone has a great sex life. So it seems important to me to lead with vulnerability.”

The book, which the Marins co-wrote, is based on a simple and well-known concept they recognize: many sexual problems stem from poor communication. However, people are rarely given specific, structured advice on how to have these conversations, the couple believe. The book’s five talks on sex center on recognition (“sex is one thing, and we have it”), connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration.

“I’ve never had a relationship where I talked about sex as openly, honestly, or frequently as I do now with Xander. Nor have I ever had a relationship where sex was as deeply intimate and supremely satisfying as it is now,” writes Vanessa Marin. “I don’t think those two things are coincidences.”

Here’s what she had to say about why it can be so scary to talk about sex with our partners and how to get started.

Questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

You write that most of us don’t talk about sex very often, or never do, with the person who habitually sees us naked. How do you suggest people start these conversations? A big mistake people make is they never talk about sex, or the only time they do is when there’s a problem, so you sit down to have one of those “discuss the relationship” type conversations. What we tell people is to incorporate sex talk into their lives more regularly. We recommend that you start with compliments.

Try complimenting your partner’s physical endowments or the attraction you feel for him or her throughout the day. It could be something really shy like, “You look pretty today” or “Your eyes really are pretty.” You could also offer some kind of compliment about the connection you feel. If you’re giving her a date or goodbye hug, say, “It feels so good to be in your arms.”

Compliments are an easy way to start talking about sex more openly. There are no goals in these conversations. You are not trying to accomplish anything. You are not placing any orders or raising a complaint. There’s a bit of flirtation in them.

You often write about the importance of flirting and trying to create a feeling of anticipation about sex. Why is that so important? What if this type of flirting is no longer part of the couple’s relationship? Many of us have this expectation that we should spontaneously feel desire out of the blue, at exactly the same moment our partner does. But that’s not how it works in real life. We’ve written about an idea called “hot sex drive,” which is about finding ways to keep some of that sense of tension and anticipation you may have had in the beginning of your relationship throughout your day.

One thing a couple can do is exchange flirty text messages, and that doesn’t mean you need to text constantly. It could be something as simple as, “Hope to see you later.” Another thing we love to tell couples to do is create a playlist of songs that get them in the mood. Just playing it in the background can also be a great way to keep the tension alive.

Part of the book focuses on building a foundation of sexual self-awareness so that people know what they like and can share it with a partner. What’s a good first step? I think anyone can think of the question: what does good sex mean to me? Try to be as detailed as possible about this and come up with as many answers as possible.

You can trace the arc of a sexual experience like this: What do you like to feel before sex? (Like, I like it when we’ve already spent some nice time together that day.) From there, the next step might be how you like sex to start. Also what kind of environment do you like sex to take place in and what energy do you like to feel during sex. Is it passionate? Is it intimate? It’s safe? Nonsense? What do you like afterwards?

It’s all too easy to focus on the problems in our sex life and our frustrations with it and not change that by asking ourselves, well, what do I really want?

You write a lot about embarrassment. For example, when people ask if after a dry period they will feel strange, you say probably yes. And he writes that initial discomfort is the price of a ticket to good sex. Why? When you see sex on TV or in the movies, everything flows, everything is beautiful and perfect. But sex is a very strange thing. Maybe you try a new position and it doesn’t feel very good or you can’t understand it well. We really love to say that it’s not something to be scared of or ashamed of, it’s something to embrace. If you anticipate embarrassment, you reduce the pressure.

There’s no growing up without a little sexual shame. We all have shame that arises around sex. We have areas of our sex life that we don’t want to talk about. We are all in the same boat together in that sense. But it can make a big difference in your individual life and in your relationship if you can face it head on.

Translated by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves