Men have trouble making close friends; see tips – 02/06/2023 – Equilibrium

Every year, on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, Aaron Karo and Matt Ritter, both 43, go out to dinner with seven men they befriended in Plainview, New York, when they were in second grade.

One of the men receives the Man of the Year award – a silly trophy the group made up as an excuse to reunite. They eat, laugh, and the winner walks away with a comically large silver cup engraved with his name.

“The important thing is not the trophy itself,” said Karo. He and Ritter are co-hosts of the “Man of the Year” podcast, which discusses friendship in adulthood. “It’s the traditions that hold us together.”

The friends jostle for the prize in an ongoing online group chat where they exchange memes and talk a little bit of nonsense, but also keep abreast of what’s going on with each other.

“I think men have been convinced that success in life doesn’t necessarily include friendships — that if they’re successful at work or if they have kids, they’ve already made it,” Ritter said. “But our definition of success in life has always included vibrant friendships.”

Despite Ritter’s group of friends, however, American men seem to be mired in a “friendship recession.” It’s a trend that predates the Covid pandemic, but one that seems to have grown in recent years, in which loneliness levels have soared across the world.

In a survey conducted in 2021 with more than 2,000 adults in the United States, less than half of men said they were really satisfied with the number of friends they had, while 15% revealed that they had no friends or friends at all. In relation to 1990, there are five times more men without friends. The same survey found that men are less likely than women to seek emotional support from their friends or share their feelings with them.

“I think men have a deep yearning for intimacy with their friends,” said mental health therapist Nick Fager, co-founder of Expansive Therapy, a psychotherapy group that focuses specifically on LGBTQIA+ audiences. “But achieving that intimacy can seem incredibly difficult.”

The four strategies outlined below will not eliminate all possible obstacles to close friendship between men, but they are a starting point.

practice the vulnerability

Fager tries to avoid making generalizations, but said the difficulty some men have in developing meaningful relationships is due to how they have been socialized, learning to equate masculinity with strength, competitiveness and stoicism, despite the easing of traditional gender norms. These qualities can make close friendship difficult.

“Think of little boys. They are usually open and warm with each other, but then something happens,” commented Fred Rabinowitz, director of the psychology department at the University of Redlands and author of “Deepening Group Psychotherapy With Men: Stories and Insights for the Journey” (Deepening group psychotherapy with men: stories and insights for the journey, in Portuguese) The messages they receive from society teach them that transparency and emotional vulnerability are taboo, he says.

For Fager, a simple way to learn to open up emotionally is to “tell your friends how you feel about them. .”

He admitted that it can be uncomfortable to call a friend out of the blue and tell them you love them. Instead, one idea is to express your appreciation after spending time together or after you’ve both experienced something that moved you.

Another strategy is to join a peer support group or participate in group therapy, Rabinowitz said. Since 1986 he has organized a men’s therapy group that meets weekly in Redlands, California. Dates are a regular time when men “can take a risk and say ‘hey, I’ve got a lot going on with me and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.’

One of the advantages of joining a support group is the likelihood that you will find men who are up to the challenge of creating emotional bonds with other men.

There’s no need to complicate things, said psychologist Marisa Franco, who studies friendship and is the author of “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends”. help make – and keep – friends, in Portuguese).

“Next time you see a friend, tell them about something you’ve been struggling with,” she recommended. “Just that.”

take the initiative

Since moving to Phoenix in 2015, Quincy Winston, 37, has been yearning for more friends. So in March of last year, encouraged by his girlfriend, he surprised himself by opening a group of local black male professionals. He used the social platform Meetup.

Winston said he would have been satisfied if he had made three or four new friends. But his group grew and now has 80 members. They meet once a month to attend events, provide community service, and just chat.

“I simply wanted to bring people together in one environment to raise awareness of the importance of being friends, of having a community and cultivating a group of men – a brotherhood,” said Winston.

Introducing yourself and making it clear that you want to make friends seems a little obvious, but Marisa Franco says she is constantly surprised to see how many men think that friendships in adulthood are formed casually, like in childhood.

“Making friends in adulthood takes initiative,” she said.

Franco advises people to put themselves in social situations that will be repeated, for example joining a club or a course, so that there is an opportunity to meet new friends over time.

And she advocates that people should take advantage of these opportunities, in addition to any other social situation, from the point of view that the people you meet will enjoy your company. She points out that research indicates that people are generally more liked by strangers than they realize.

Take advantage of the opportunities that appear

“Boys and men often learn to do group activities side by side,” said Rabinowitz. Those who want to expand their social circle or convert an acquaintance into a more intimate friend can take advantage of this fact.

“Saying ‘let’s go to the game together’ or ‘let’s play poker’ allows a man to connect with other men and have fun with them. It can facilitate conversation,” he said.

Franco recommends that you look for ways to convert everyday activities into opportunities to connect with people. If you’re a runner, invite a friend to run with you. If you work from home, invite a colleague to your house and work alongside you.

Say hello from time to time

According to a study published in July 2022, giving a casual hello to friends and acquaintances – for example via an email or quick message – means more to them than we usually realize and is especially important when the contact gesture is unexpected.

Karo and Ritter said that these regular contacts have been indispensable in keeping the friendship between their group members alive – perhaps even more so than their annual get-together. The group’s chain of messages allows them to maintain a certain degree of closeness over time and despite distances – a reflection of the importance that this friendship has for all of them.

“I’m the only one in the group who isn’t married and doesn’t have kids,” Karo said. “These guys are my family.”

Translated by Clara Allain