Marriage: how to put aside everyday fights – 03/03/2023 – Equilíbrio

My husband and I have been fighting about the same thing since the Clinton administration. He has a habit of taking off his socks and leaving them lying next to the laundry basket, not in it. I ask why he can’t seem to reach the basket. He doesn’t understand why I get irritated with this little thing for nothing. So we fought, and this has been going on for decades. Another recurring fight involves our different ways of loading dirty dishes into the machine.

Most people in a relationship can identify at least one similar quarrel that recurs on a regular basis. One couples therapist told me that two of his clients spent 20 years fighting over the “right” place to hang the dish towel. I sometimes wonder if they’re still fighting about it.

I have reassuring news for you: even married Zen monks get into these silly little fights.

Koshin Palley Ellison and Chodo Robert Campbell are the founders of the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care and have been married for 16 years (monks of the Soto school of Zen Buddhism are allowed to marry to marry).

Paley Ellison is also a Jungian psychotherapist and the author of “Untangled: Walking the Eightfold Path to Clarity, Courage and Compassion”, released last year. He has a habit of making oatmeal in the morning, washing the pot and leaving it on the drying rack, not putting it back in the kitchen cupboard.

“I’d call Koshin at work and say ‘hi, I’m going to throw the pan away,'” says Campbell jokingly. She revealed something else about her husband: he never closes the bathroom closet door. “It’s been like this for years. ‘My God, why do you leave that door open?'”

Couples therapist Patricia Lamas Alvarez of South Pasadena, Calif., points out that these unimportant but incessant fights “often are about everyday things like housekeeping, division of labor, kids or chores, and can end up becoming impasses.” These disagreements can lead to a constantly reinforcing negative cycle in which both people become increasingly determined to come out on top.

How to resolve these disagreements? We may not be able to end them forever, but there are ways to reach a middle ground.

understand what’s going on

The next time your partner does something that pisses you off, recommends Paley Ellison, ask yourself, “What’s the story I’m telling myself right now? Is it true? How do I know it’s true?”

The story I tell myself about why my husband doesn’t put his dirty socks in the hamper is that he’s lazy. Or that he laughs at my expression when I pick up my socks from the floor. The reality, though, is that he’s chronically absent-minded — the kind of person who once put his garbage bag in the back seat of his car instead of the trash can and drove off.

Sometimes, says Paley Ellison, when you share with your partner the story you’re telling yourself, it’s so far from the truth that you both end up laughing.

What’s bothering you?

Choose a quiet time and “ask what it’s really about” the problem, recommends Talal Alsaleem, a couples therapist in Rosedale, Calif. Both people should have an opportunity to present their point of view without being interrupted.

Then, try to delve into what is really bothering you. That’s because often the real dispute isn’t about the dirty dishes.

“It’s less risky to fight about taking out the trash than it is about all the other issues,” points out Alsaleem. “It’s easier to focus on these issues because they’re more concrete than talking about feelings. It’s harder to say ‘I feel like we’re not communicating’ or ‘I don’t feel valued.’

attack the problem

You may find it ridiculous that your partner keeps getting angry over something that seems trivial to you, but recognize that the feelings it evokes are real.

When we’re angry with someone, “anger often objectifies others, erasing their complex humanity,” writes Paley Ellison in “Untangled”. Remember, he says, that the person you love is suffering.

Then, Alvarez points out, look for a solution to the problem by looking for something you both agree on, even if the only starting point is “we agreed we shouldn’t be fighting about this.” This already signals that you are collaborating.

From that point, face the problem together. Try to identify an aspect of the issue that both of you can be flexible about, says Alvarez. When you are discussing each point of difference, make a compromise.

If you remain calm and cooperative, the answer may become evident. If they can’t agree on the “right” place to hang the dish towel, Alvarez says, the solution can be something simple, like “the towel hangs in one person’s preferred place for a month and the other person next month”.

Maybe neither of them is right

In the book “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship”, Terrence Real, a couples therapist, writes that many people waste time and energy facing each other about the “true” version of certain things that occur in your relationships, and there is no true version.

He writes that being preoccupied with “determining which point of view is ‘valid’ is a trap. There is no room for objective reality in personal relationships.” For Real, perhaps there is not necessarily a true reality, only two subjective realities.

(But it’s worth noting that appliance maker Whirlpool’s website includes a highly accurate manual on how to load the dishwasher.)

And, as a friend told me, “I’d rather fight about why I leave coffee cups all over the house than be told, ‘Why are you sleeping with Linda?'”

Translated by Clara Allain