Is being nicer more attractive than being pretty? – 01/08/2024 – Science

Considering the attention we pay to our appearance and the speed with which we form — and maintain — a first impression on others, it would be natural to assume that physical attraction is an indispensable condition for a relationship to work.

But, although it is desired, according to science, it is not the most important factor for those looking for their better half.

Appearance and sensuality occupy intermediate positions in surveys about the preferred characteristics of people looking for relationships.

Even less significant are factors such as material success or financial security.

Instead, qualities such as agreeableness, extroversion, and intelligence are considered more important than physical attraction for both men and women, regardless of sexual orientation.

It is worth remembering, however, that in this type of survey, the social desirability bias — or our tendency to give answers “to look good in the eyes of others” — can distort the results, points out Greg Webster, professor of psychology at the University of Florida , in the United States.

But do we really prioritize personality over appearance?

According to Jess Alderson, co-founder of the dating app So Syncd, which requires users to take a psychometric test to determine their personality traits, the answer is yes.

From a sample of more than a thousand users shared with the BBC, almost 90% said they preferred personality over appearance when looking for a relationship.

Here, another observation is worth: classifying someone’s personality can be complicated.

Psychometric tests, which usually take the form of a questionnaire, have been used for decades in psychiatry to discover personality type.

These tests tend to measure how much people agree with statements like “I’m the life and soul of the party”, for example.

Psychologists often use the test known as the “big five”, which classifies people on five characteristics — openness to experience, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness and neuroticism (emotional instability).

These five qualities are considered quite common, but this test is not immune to criticism.

Looking at just five characteristics is too limiting, says Webster.

Despite this, psychometric tests can show similarities and differences between people, in addition to portraying broad personality pictures.

And some of our characteristics seem to indicate whether we are more or less prone to serious relationships.

Of the big five, agreeableness, which is an indicator of someone’s interpersonal skills (or how caring and benevolent a person is), plays an important role for both sexes in their initial assessment of a date’s desirability.

Agreeableness is the strongest element of current and future relationship satisfaction, and the only significant predictor of relationship dissolution.

For both men and women, physical attraction must be associated with pleasantness to anticipate the desire for a serious relationship.

Being a nice person, therefore, is “indispensable for long-term harmonious relationships,” says Webster.

“Pleasantness is a kind of necessity,” adds the expert.

According to Webster, the perception of our own and other people’s personalities is shaped by our own values.

Nicer people, for example, tend to see others as kind and friendly, and vice versa.

In this sense, we feel attracted to people who share similar values ​​to us.

In short: the chance of making the perfect match is greater with people who have personality traits similar to ours.

Romantic partners who say they are “similar” on the Big Five personality traits have an advantage over other couples in their ability to solve problems and manage daily tasks, add sociologists Terri Orbuch of the University of Michigan and Susan Sprecher of Illinois State University. , both in the USA.

But that doesn’t mean that your relationship will only be successful with someone who is similar to you.

Some personality differences can also be attractive.

Studies show, for example, that we prefer to be in relationships with people who have the opposite level of extroversion to our own.

“It makes sense that we have evolved to be attracted to people who are different from us,” says Alderson, whose online dating app is more likely to match profiles of people with complementary characteristics.

“We’re a stronger team and we’ll have a better chance of surviving. But still, you and your partner still need a common denominator.”

The psychometric test used on the So Syncd dating app is not the same as the “big five,” but it asks questions based on similar themes — such as how extroverted users are or whether they easily form emotional connections.

“We bring together couples who have enough similarities to form a strong connection and enough differences to ignite that spark in the relationship,” says Alderson.

“Nothing is set in stone. If you and your partner are very similar, it can be a little boring. But if you are very different, everyday life can be very difficult,” he adds.

In relationships, agreeableness combined with other attractive characteristics can bring out the best in people, says Webster.

In a study he participated in, Webster looked at socially, physically, and financially dominant people, as well as the effect that agreeableness had on how they were viewed by potential partners.

These three types of dominance are attractive, researchers say, because each offers some level of protection or access to basic needs like food and shelter to more desirable ones like luxurious lifestyles.

But this dominance can cause problems.

“Studies show that people want partners who are socially, physically and financially dominant, but they want to feel dominated by them within a relationship.”

According to him, therefore, dominance and pleasantness have to go hand in hand, he adds.

“You may be a person with a dominating instinct, but would you be willing to be dominated by your partner?” asks the expert.

When it comes to finding the right match, says Webster, agreeableness accentuates the strengths of other personality traits.

In other words, instead of focusing on physical beauty, maybe it’s worth just being nice.