I’m an alcoholic and I want to talk about my life – 06/19/2023 – Life of an Alcoholic

It’s been exactly four years since I’ve had a sip of alcohol in my mouth. Just me, a girl who, since the age of 13, has found an escape from this world in her alcohol.

Drunk, everything was easier, more relaxing and more possible. Four years and no more toasting, having a beer on a hot day or a glass of wine on a pleasant Sunday. Well, that last sentence is a lie only a drunk could tell.

Using the drink in a diminutive form and associating it only with the weekends is a phrase that looks good on paper, but very far from my reality. I’m one of those people who always believed it was a big waste of time to go out for juice; I hated anyone who didn’t accompany me in alcoholic beverages. After all, “who makes friends by drinking milk?”, and who can dance without having a slight degree of madness?

Four years and a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous room. But would it be for that? Such an intelligent woman, so beautiful, so interesting, so cultured! Yes. Four years demystifying inside the ÄA rooms all these phrases that don’t work for me, nor for any alcoholic.

Those who believe that there is a stereotype for those who attend an AA room are wrong. That they are very destroyed, bitter people who have nowhere to fall dead. Well, the truth is, I had nowhere to stand alive for a long time. It’s been more than 20 years losing all and any will to live, being consumed by all the alcohol I ingested and that destroyed my dreams, my thoughts and my will to live.

It is worth mentioning that I did not come to an AA room by my own free will. I had to lose friends, relationships, jobs and a little word that was the beginning of the end: dignity. But even so, it wasn’t until I was locked in a detox clinic (for the sixth time!) that I finally surrendered to trying an alcohol-free life with the AA program.

That’s because I tried many times to moderate, slow down, alternate alcoholic beverages with water, lining my stomach, putting olive oil in my mouth before starting to drink, among so many other magic formulas that only served to elude my illness. Five years and little to understand, day by day, that alcoholism is a disease as serious and fatal as any other. It leads to premature death, to madness.

“Well, what a chaaato talk”. Boring, but that made my life a nice, morning, fun environment. And I know that you who still drink will doubt this sentence of mine because I myself, just over five years ago, would have thought the same. It’s like I’m writing to that incredulous, angry, mocking girl with no alcohol.

But the fact is that my life only became life after an AA class. I meet there, almost daily, friends who understand what I’m talking about. Typically, in an hour-and-a-half meeting, I speak for five minutes and listen for the rest. The practice of listening and the strength of the group made me stronger, made me so incredible that today I am the person who drinks juice, who dances (a little) with the rhythm of the music and who doesn’t need anything to give an extra shine .

I don’t need to and I can’t. Nothing against those who use the drink. I’m the one who can’t, do you know why? Because I didn’t drink a glass, a sip, or taste something. I can say something that is said in the AA classroom: a glass for me is a lot, and a gallon is not enough. My disease is complex. I destroyed moments and environments that brought me love and sanity. Out of malice? No. Today I understand that it was because I was at the height of my illness.

It’s been four years and a little since I’ve forgiven myself, every day when I wake up, so I can face life in a lighter way. And it has worked. I hear and see many people who have drinking problems, who transform party environments into war platforms, just like I did. It’s everywhere, from the most successful businesspeople to the homeless. These are people who have lost the ability to control their drinking. Because they are not capable. They are sick. As I am… but I’m in recovery, I changed my life.

I don’t go to parties that much, or if I do, I don’t stay much longer. I don’t have death hangovers anymore, I don’t fear what I might have done the day before. When I got to AA, I was dead inside and out, but there was a part somewhere that could still be reversed. And it was on this green branch that my classmates showed me that it would be possible to recover, to restore my sanity.

I’m a recovering alcoholic and I have nothing to be ashamed of, just to be grateful for finally changing my habits, my life and fighting every day against my will. Living in sobriety is the biggest high ever. I could have given this advice to myself back in the day, but I realized, unfortunately, that I’m so stubborn that I had to get to a very sad and lonely place to finally start living.

Hey, believe me, living without alcohol (for those who have lost control) is the best and only possible way to live. I tell you more, much more. And seek help, don’t wait for the mud to sink in for good. It is indeed much better to be an anonymous alcoholic than a known drunk. Think about it.

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