I was afraid of NY, and Heloísa fears anal sex – 09/04/2023 – The Worst of the Week

Heloísa, 32, is a feminist and holds a doctorate in philosophy. She assures me that her mind is open, that her sex life is full and active, and she writes to me with the following question. “If I want it, why can’t I have anal sex with my boyfriend? What are the psychoanalytic implications of wanting and not getting it?”

When I was in my early 20s, I made up my mind that I needed to live in New York for a while and started saving money. I worked in a place saturated with snooty, stuck-up people, and everyone had, of course, been to New York several times.

I became obsessive. I dreamed of the city every week. I watched all the series and movies that were set there. He collected tips for stores, bookstores, restaurants, cinemas, tours. I went back to studying English. I got a long-distance boyfriend who was doing a master’s degree at Columbia University. I got a visa, renewed my passport. When I finally bought the ticket and found a place to stay, I started to have absurd diarrhea and had to reschedule the trip.

A few weeks later, absurd diarrhea again, I rescheduled. After a few months, diarrhea, I rescheduled. After another few months, horrible bouts of stomach pains, terrible spasms in the intestines. I gave up on the trip and the boyfriend. I went into depression. But if I wanted so badly, why couldn’t I just go?

Before the story continues, I want to say that I do think it’s very valid to compare the epicenter of capitalism to an asshole. And you, Heloísa, will understand my point. Or it won’t, but I will have tried. Just like you.

I had already done some international trips, but never moved by an “I need to go to stop being a redneck, tacky and poor”. And this was the problem.

This thing I wanted so badly in myself simultaneously negated important things about who I was. I wanted to wake up fashion, modern, speaking impeccable English and go to New York. However, what I needed, so and only, was to wake up as a redneck, tacky, poor and, even so, even dazzled and scared, go to New York. Or not go, and understand that, “deep down” (look there, our stories meeting again!) I didn’t even want it that much, and that’s okay. But it took me ten years of analysis to come to that conclusion. Then, in my mid-thirties, without any drama and caganeira (lie), I finally met and was able to spend some time in New York.

Heloísa started by saying that she is a feminist, open-minded, active and free sex life, doctor in philosophy. It’s as if she said: “I have everything to be able to free the back door, however…”. However, what is missing is precisely to let go with everything. Heloísa, maybe you’re not the libertine devil you’d like. Perhaps you simply need to take the fearful, guilty hillbilly Heloísa for anal enjoyment. Not that I have, unfortunately, experience in the matter.

We, anguished people living in civility, believe that it needs a bit of morality, cleanliness, control and guilt to be accepted in society. Therefore, I believe, for many people it is difficult to relax when it comes to anal sex. However, precisely for all the reasons listed above, the erogenization of the area is indisputably a theme.

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Tati Bernardi answers the most unusual questions and strangest comments from her readers. Do you want to participate in the O Pior da Semana column? Send your message to [email protected]

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