How to talk about sex and improve life for two – 06/23/2023 – Equilíbrio

Work, children, health – any number of factors can stand in the way of satisfying sex. But sex educator Emily Morse thinks there’s one barrier that often outweighs the others.

“Most sexual problems in relationships have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with communication,” she writes in her new book, “Smart Sex”.

Morse admits that it’s not always easy to talk about intimacy. “Sex talks are not seen as normal,” she acknowledges. But the main effort she makes on her various platforms is to encourage people to speak more openly about the topic. That means identifying what they want and learning how to say it.

Morse has a long-running podcast, “Sex with Emily,” and has over 500,000 followers on Instagram, where he explores topics ranging from the best sex toys to confidence in the bedroom.

In “Smart Sex,” she breaks down her main message about communication into a few sex-specific discussions that she thinks are helpful for couples. One is what she dubs “the state of sexual togetherness”: a monthly review to help define what’s working well, what’s not, and where things are headed.

In a conversation with Morse, the therapist and author talks about some strategies laid out in her new book that can help couples achieve an effective state of sexual union and why she thinks it’s worth it (even if the idea leaves you or your partner highly constrained partner).

1. Be brief

A successful discussion about the “state of the sexual union” shouldn’t last more than ten minutes or so, says Morse. For her, couples could see this as preventive care.

“You are planting the seeds of the sex life to come,” he says. “You’re going to find out: what worked? What didn’t work? And how can we improve going forward?”

Morse recommends that couples have this conversation once a month (it can be scheduled or more spontaneous, depending on the couple), although this frequency is not supported by studies. The recommendation is based on the expert’s impression that once a month seems feasible even for very busy people and that it gives people time and space to reflect a little on what has been going on in their sex life.

2. Know that it will be embarrassing

Morse is keen to point out that good sex doesn’t just happen. And talking about sex doesn’t rob it of its “magic,” even if the resulting conversations are uncomfortable or awkward.

It might help if you openly admit any discomfort you’re feeling, she says. “You can say to your partner, ‘I know this is new to us, but I want us to approach our sexual connection with a growth mindset,” Morse says, noting that, for her, showing her vulnerability is essential to true intimacy.

“If it seems unsexy because you’re both nervous, that’s fine. This conversation is not an exercise in foreplay.”

3. Start by asking: ‘What would you like us to do more about in our sex life?’

Or think of other possibilities, such as, ‘What else can I do to make sex more enjoyable for you?’ Or ‘can I share one thing I wish we did more when we’re having sex?’

“What are you enjoying about our sex life right now?” is another option, though Morse admits that for couples going through a dry spell, this might not be the best way to start a conversation.

In an ideal world, says Morse, couples would make a habit of having a “sexual union state” on a regular basis when their relationship is still in its infancy. But she thinks this is a habit that can be developed with practice, whether you’ve been together “for 10 months, 10 years or longer.”

But, he points out, if it seems impossible to ask these kinds of questions, or if your partner completely refuses to answer them, it’s a sign that you could benefit from going to sex therapy.

4. Calculate the timing, tone and place of the conversation

The moment chosen to talk about sex is often as important as the words used, Morse points out. So don’t talk about sex when one of you is hungry or angry, lonely or tired. In this way, you or your partner are less likely to become defensive or react badly.

And try to adopt a curious, compassionate, and open tone.

“Many of us adopt a defensive tone when we have these intense conversations, even if we don’t intend to,” Morse points out.

She insists that sex talks must take place outside the bedroom, which, for her, must be a sacred place, used solely for sleeping and having sex. It might be helpful to have the discussion during a walk outside, she suggests. You and your partner can take a deep breath and you don’t necessarily have to maintain eye contact.

“I want people to remember that the state of the sexual union isn’t critical — it’s an opportunity to collaborate,” says Morse.

Translated by Clara Allain