Find out what parents do that can break the bond with their children – 10/12/2023 – Balance

While a new world full of opportunities opens up to the teenager who envisions adulthood, it is possible that those responsible for them are left with the opposite feeling, of a world less bright than it was before their children grew up. And it doesn’t even need for this empty nest to come to fruition — often, the pain already starts beforehand.

Educator and researcher of adolescent behavior Carolina Delboni says that, for many parents, the feeling at this stage of life is that they have lost their children. “And, as parents don’t know how to relate to this ‘loss’, they often end up relating out of anger”, she says.

As a result, the distance at home only increases: adults in one corner, hurt, and young people in the other, feeling misunderstood and seeking understanding outside. “Parents don’t know how to deal with this because nobody taught them and nobody teaches them”, says Delboni, author of the book “Desafios da Adolescence na Contemporaneidade – A Conversation with Parents and Educators” (Summus Editorial, 163 pages, R$ 58.40).

“We read books and look for courses to learn how to take care of the baby, after the small child, and we do absolutely nothing when the child enters adolescence. There is no literature about this phase, except psychoanalysis books. There is no courses, lectures, support network. It’s a general abandonment, both by teenagers and their parents”, he says.

Left without tools, those responsible may end up forgetting the importance of affection and dialogue in relationships with young people, starting to treat them as people who no longer need as much affection and attention as they did when they were little.

“We assume that that child is big, which is dubious, because we also don’t give them autonomy as we don’t want them to grow up”, says Delboni, for whom this process of “letting go” of teenage children needs to be accompanied by a lot of trust. .

“More difficult than giving autonomy is trusting that the child will be able to do things responsibly. We tell a small child that, if he picks up the glass with one hand, it will slip and fall, but the We don’t teach teenagers how to go out and interact with the world.”

It is also the role of parents, according to Delboni, to break the stereotypes of adolescence — to avoid falling into the temptation, for example, of accusing their children of being monosyllabic, of not leaving their room, or of saying that talking to them is impossible.

“We have the habit of refuting everything that comes from the teenage world. Saying that it’s futile, calling the music they like bad, saying that the place they chose to go for a walk isn’t the best, etc. We always have something to say that shows they should be doing differently”, says the author.

For her, this habit “cuts all ties” with the young man. “These things are part of the universe in which he is inserted and show how he is constituting his being. And, if we downgrade this, in a way we are telling our own son that what he is, likes and thinks is not cool,” he says.

This is how most fights at home arise, which Delboni claims are rooted in everyday life. Like when parents compare generations, for example, using the famous “It was different in my time”, or when they make constant accusations like “You can’t get off that cell phone!”. “And do you know what the young man will do? Look at you and think ‘that’s your problem'”, she says.

“What will this add to relationships? Nothing. It won’t improve the bond, on the contrary, and it won’t get him off his cell phone. On the other hand, have you tried asking him what he’s seeing? He might not show it. , but you asked a question, showed interest. In this daily life, we are always trying to force the teenager out of his place instead of moving to his corner, without complaining.”

“Challenges of Adolescence in Contemporary Times – A Conversation with Parents and Educators” is not intended to be a manual, but an information book. It was not made for young people, but it can be read by them, according to the author, who is the mother of three teenagers.

“I really like talking to them, more than writing to them. They are not listened to, and I like listening to them”, he says.