Balance between work and family is a myth, says author – 07/30/2023 – Equilíbrio

Raising children and working is not an easy task. Anyone who has never left a crying child at school and went to work with a heavy heart cannot imagine how difficult it is to keep logic in charge. However, skills acquired in a professional career can help with the challenge of being a parent, according to psychologist Yael Schonbrun, assistant professor at Brown University (USA), mother of three children and presenter of “Psychologists Off the Clock” (Psychologists outside the schedule, in Portuguese), podcast about science and parenting.

In her most recent book, “Work, Parent, Thrive” (Work, care for children, prosper, in Portuguese), winner of the 2023 National Parenting Product award, the author brings 12 science-based tips to help deal with the duo parents journey.

Schonbrun spoke with the Sheet via email and talked about how the conflict between personal and professional lives is causing parents to burn out. For the teacher, the total balance between functions is nothing more than a myth.

“Our roles as parents and professionals conflict with each other, which is a difficult reality. Too often, however, we overlook the ways in which they are enriched when associated with one another,” she says.

In “Work, Parent, Thrive”, you use scientific concepts to help working parents perform parenting. How did these universes intersect in your life?
I’m trained in the scientific practice of clinical psychology, so it’s natural for me to turn to data and actions from the therapy room when struggling with life’s challenges. After having my first child, I was stressed and unhappy at work. I felt guilty and overwhelmed as a mother. Referring to the scholarly literature gave me guidance and was incredibly helpful. I discovered a concept called “work-family enrichment,” which explains how our roles can help each other.

As I delved deeper into the science, I discovered a whole host of fascinating ideas and practices that I began to use and that became the basis of the book, along with my own stories and the stories of dozens of other working parents I interviewed.

What is the origin of the guilt that some parents carry? Is it possible to have a career and be a good mother or father?
Emotions like guilt exist for protective purposes. Guilt gives us clues as to how to protect our relationships from damage or anticipates what may happen. Add to this the cultural messages suggesting that nothing is more important to our children’s well-being than how we raise them, and it’s no wonder that we constantly feel guilty.

What’s important to recognize is that guilt can sometimes be quite helpful. For example, if you’re not paying attention while your young children are near a swimming pool or in a busy place with a lot of strangers, guilt could point to the potential harm of not being a caring parent. Guilt gives you tips on how to be a better parent. The problem often lies in the guilt that suggests damage when it does not exist. As a result, parents act in a harmful way, even more than the damage would have done if they had done nothing. For example, feeling guilty because the child is sad when he is dropped off at daycare can lead parents to quit their jobs and never leave the child with anyone. But when you do that, you interfere with your child’s ability to be independent and to attach to other caregivers (which is good for their development).

Allowing guilt to rule can cause you to act in ways that are not helpful for either work or children. My advice for parents to respond to guilt when it comes (because it will!):

• Pause and notice the guilt as it arises;
• Consider whether the fault is offering useful information about the true harm;
• If highlighting true damage, consider acting to contain the greatest danger (and try to leave other roles behind);
• If the fault is not providing useful information, turn your attention to the function that is [exercendo].

You say “work can make parenting better and parenting can make work better”. How to keep personal and professional life in balance? How to involve the family in this process?
We often think of the relationship between work and parenting as something totally conflicted. Of course, these sides clash, no working parent can deny that! But our roles can also help each other. And when it comes to mutual improvement, it’s worth considering how your work skills add something special to your parenting role.

We can also consider how, in times when our child refuses to wear pants or our teen refuses to follow a curfew, going to work can offer a real opportunity to take some of the stress out of moms and dads. Likewise, when work feels incredibly lonely, you go home and hug your kids, which relieves us of the loneliness we feel at work. Our roles can help, making us more skilled, buffering our stress, and even giving our daily activities more meaning. Recognizing these possibilities enables us to seek out these benefits and to savor them when they occur.

Smaller family indicates work overload. In your opinion, how can fathers and mothers cope with current demands? What can we do as a society to help them?
Studies show that parental burnout is on the rise for a variety of reasons, from the ever-increasing pressure on parents to a world that is regularly rocked by politics and economics. There are so many changes that need to happen to make our world a healthier and more sustainable place. These are what I call “outside-in” approaches to the problem of work-family conflict. But there are also ways psychological science can help working parents. I call these “inside out”.

When it comes to work-family conflict, it is important to emphasize that role conflict is an inherently human problem. He lives not only in the world outside us, but also inside our hearts and minds. It is human to want to make contributions outside the home while at the same time participating in deeply loving relationships with your family. But getting involved in multiple roles, which most adults do, means you’ll be pulled in different directions. Given how uncomfortable the tension between roles is, it’s no wonder we want to get rid of it. But there are ways in which this tension can be useful to us.

Let me also say that ultimately we need “outside-in” solutions led by our political and intellectual leaders, and we also need to use more of the “inside-out” solutions offered by the science of psychology. It is in the application of both approaches that we can arrive at a happier and healthier professional life.

What qualities do parents need to develop to be successful? How to establish a priority in an agenda with so many deadlines?
It is paradoxical, but an important step to be taken when we have multiple demands and multiple deadlines is to slow down, pause. On pause, you can ask a number of important questions, and the first one might be the most surprising: What can I take off my to-do list?

Research shows that the human brain is much better at adding tasks to a busy schedule than it is at subtracting those activities. Also, when we feel overwhelmed, this tendency to ignore subtraction gets even stronger. Appreciating this scientific concept can help us develop more effective practices for getting things off our schedule.

The next tip is to understand that the human brain does not multitask well. When we think we’re multitasking, what we’re doing is just jumping from one task to another. And every time that happens, we lose focus and energy.

So, to summarize: take things off your list when you can, and for what’s left, set aside time to progress.

Today’s children and teenagers were born into the digital world. Do you think about this question often? Is technology working against our children’s education?
Technology is neither a saint nor a villain. It has advantages and disadvantages. Therefore, the best approach to managing technology in our children’s lives is to make the best of it, while carefully considering the boundaries where it should fit into their lives. For example, technology helps your child access many sources of information. But it is also important that he seeks out the elders for this purpose.

Instead of getting rid of technology, help your child see it as one of many places to gather ideas and important data. Likewise, technology is a great way for kids to connect with their peers. But you can also help them find moments to put technology aside in the face of real-time, real-life interaction with friends.

Technology must not be maligned or glorified. Instead, we can see it for what it can offer, although there are still limitations. And we can teach our children how to use it wisely.

What would you like to say to fathers and mothers in Brazil?
Our roles as parents and professionals conflict with each other, which is a difficult reality. Too often, however, we overlook the ways in which they enrich each other when associated with one another. By understanding this, we are better equipped to manage conflict and amplify the growth that these functions in our lives can bring together.

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X-RAY | YAEL SCHONBRUN

Clinical psychologist, assistant professor at Brown University (USA), host of the podcast Psychologists Off the Clock and mother of three. Author of several scientific articles on parenting and science. Her book “Work, Parent, Thrive” was a NAPPA award winner.