Accompanying gender transition brings challenges and learning – 04/10/2023 – Equilíbrio

Luiza Artacho, 31, identifies as a lesbian woman. Her six-year stable relationship, however, is with a trans man.

She says she falls into a little-known category called “homoflexibility,” which means that your attraction is toward people of the same gender, but with an occasional flex. In this case, her husband.

The veterinarian says that, for a long time, she considered herself bisexual, until she realized that her attraction to men was mainly the result of social pressure. “Declaring myself a lesbian is very important to me, including politically.”

When they started dating, their partner had not yet made the gender transition and they lived in a homosexual relationship. About two years later, when the couple was already living together, the husband began to discover himself transsexual.

Despite wanting to show support, Luiza says the process was challenging. “It was like being pushed back into the closet,” she says. In the midst of this conflict, she considers that not all of her attitudes were the most welcoming, and highlights that it was a process of rediscovery for the couple.

In addition to reflections on her own sexuality, Luiza had to deal with feelings arising from previous negative experiences with men. “The beard, for example, brought me a lot of triggers, and it tends to be something very important for trans men”, she points out.

Another problem was the lack of opportunity to share the experience with others. “I didn’t know anyone who had gone through the same situation”, says Luiza. “It was a privilege to witness this process alongside him, but it was very lonely.”

Psychologist Fe Maidel, a specialist in gender and sexuality, confirms that the moment brings changes on several levels for the couple. “The partner transitions together,” she points out.

The transition does not only represent a change of gender, but of identity. “We are questioning our entire existence and social roles”, says Maidel. Therefore, it is natural that the partner also needs to reflect on himself and what this new position represents in his life.

According to the specialist, the process is different for each couple and it is not possible to predict the results. “We try to place things in pre-defined spaces, but each person and each sexuality is unique. No one will have the same experience as the other”, says the specialist.

For Yasmin Burzin, 29, questioning her sexual orientation was not an issue, as she considered herself bisexual. Accompanying her partner’s discovery as a non-binary person, however, wasn’t easy.

“When we met, Laís Kai was already in this questioning process and I was informed about it, so I always tried to use gender-neutral language”, she says.

The dancer was clear that gender would not influence her attraction to the person, but the process was still difficult. “It was many months of therapy and daily we had conversations and small adjustments.”

Yasmin also reports that she had difficulty dealing with the transition because, at certain times, she felt “a reproduction of macho masculinity”. For her, the partner’s transition was exhausting and complex, but it also brought lessons.

“We live in a very binary society, and I had no idea how much this place of fluidity is really not accepted. I had to study a lot, I realized how I also had no reflection on some things”, he ponders.

Fernando Gonsevski, 30, also considers the experience of accompanying a partner’s transition to be remarkable. More than ten years ago, he began a relationship with a person who came out as trans while they were together.

“She was always a very effeminate gay, and when she decided to start the gender transition, we all felt it”, he says.

Although the decision did not come as a surprise, for Fernando, the support also stemmed from fear of how others would view the transformation. “Accompanying her transition made me more human and understand all these pains that she went through and that came whenever her identity as a woman was denied,” he says.

Today, Fernando works as a socio-educational advisor at the Centro de Acolhida Especial Casarão Brasil for trans women, and he considers that accompanying a loved one going through this has brought him more sensitivity.

“We broke up due to distance, but we remain friends,” he reports. “After her transition, it was a whole lot of work for me to get to know myself better, to recognize myself. I’m a gay man, but there I learned that I liked the person. It wasn’t about her organ, or how she looked.”