When does too much love become dangerous? – 06/05/2023 – Balance

Phrases like “I can’t stop thinking about you”, “I just want to make you happy” and “I want to be with you all the time” may sound nice, but sometimes they can also be a symptom that some healthy boundaries are being crossed.

We are talking about love bombing, something like “love bombing”, in free translation.

It’s when someone gives attention and affection – usually to a romantic partner, but not only – in an overwhelming way, usually at the beginning of a relationship.

This seemingly romantic and well-meaning behavior can, however, be part of a cycle of psychological abuse.

“I had just left a relationship in which I received almost nothing, and I got into another one in which, right after we met, he invited me to everything, he always came to bring me coffee or dessert… We talked all day , he went to the gym with me, waited for me for hours to take me home and took me to meet his mother”, remembers the Colombian designer Alejandra (the BBC chose not to publish her last name to preserve it).

“I started to feel very suffocated.”

Of course, the difference between love bombing and healthy infatuation can be a bit confusing.

In fact, it’s normal that at the beginning of a relationship we feel madly in love, because hormones and neurotransmitters are at their peak.

And experts agree that there’s nothing wrong with falling into deep, intense displays of affection.

They begin to be problematic when love is expressed in a calculated way to “hook” the other and make him act in a way he wouldn’t otherwise.

two moments

Of course: our brain is perfectly trained to ensure that situations that have caused a sensation of pleasure, such as gifts, caresses and nice words, are repeated. This is the reward system.

This system is what allows us, for example, to become attached to our parents or caregivers in childhood, something essential for our personal development.

“Love bombing” operates by taking advantage of exactly this function of the brain.

At first, the person who receives the exorbitant gestures of love learns to expect these behaviors – rewards – from his partner and to react positively when he receives them. And she creates in her head an image of her partner as the perfect lover.

Alejandra, the Colombian designer, says that this happened in her relationship with her new partner.

“He hooked me up a lot. He even suggested that we go to study together in England. All in less than two months since the beginning of the relationship.”

But then, in a second moment, the “author of the bombing” cuts off from the partner what he was giving. For example, he might start treating the other with contempt.

With that, there is a tendency for the person “target” of the bombing to overcome their own limits to receive that reward again. That’s when the abuse happens.

A person in this cycle might, for example, agree to cancel plans with their friends or family in hopes of feeling special and loved by their partner again.

Or, in a darker scenario, you may agree to a certain sexual practice just to rescue that idyllic moment in the relationship.

“He started acting weird, he didn’t show up as much anymore and I started to feel really unstable and anxious and confused. I started to think I was the intense person. We would talk all the time, and then he was gone for the whole end. week”, recalls Alejandra.

“When we met again, he changed the way he treated me and complained to me for not taking contraceptives. It hurt me a lot because I was so in love with the idea I had of him.”

Over time, the relationship becomes a cycle: when the aggressor feels that he is losing power over his partner, he returns to overflowing displays of love to win him back, and so on.

The psychology of bombing

As with almost any villain, whoever does love bombing it is not simply a Machiavellian monster and has its own problems behind it.

Most of the time, love bombing is an unconsciously used strategy and is a logical response to narcissistic traits and low self-esteem.

This is the conclusion of studies by Professor Claire Strutzenberg, from the University of Pennsylvania.

She explains that by expressing this overflowing love, what people who do it really want “is the affirmation that they are loved, beautiful and wanted”.

As in the Narcissus myth, they praise their partner in the hope that they will get the compliment back.

People who have had few healthy relationships in their lives are more susceptible to love bombing, says Charlie Huntington, a psychologist who specializes in romantic relationships at the University of Denver.

The illusion of being loved intensely can lead them to feel a particularly powerful connection and therefore be vulnerable to manipulation.

How do you know if someone is going through this?

There are no objective indicators that a person is being subjected to love bombing.

The same act may be harmless and even healthy in one relationship, but problematic or harmful in another.

However, if you’re feeling smothered by the affection and attention you’re receiving and feel like it’s all too intense to be genuine, or know someone who might be going through this, here are 7 signs of the love bombing.

• According to Huntington, “The clearest sign of love bombing is that the behavior is disproportionate to the connection between people.” The “I love you” in the first week or hasty indications of commitment, when the necessary trust in the other does not yet exist, can be warning signs;
• Someone telling you that they want to spend all their time with you may seem romantic, but it could be the first step towards isolating you from your friends and family. Isolation is a very effective strategy for abusers to gain power and control;
• There are praises that overwhelm. Being told that you are the most beautiful thing in the world or that you are everything anyone has ever dreamed of may not be as romantic as it sounds. Beware of overblown compliments that weigh you down and don’t sound like they were meant especially for you;
• Receiving lots of gifts can be a way to create an addiction of sorts, especially if they make you feel like you need to make up for them in some way;
• Those who do “bombing” have to communicate excessively, for example, talking all day with their partners through messages and calls. And it’s not uncommon for these people to demand that their partner do the same;
• Jealousy and distrust of your faithfulness can also be ways abusers seek to show their “intense love” and make you feel guilty;
• If overnight your partner stops being the most loving person in the world and starts treating you in a dry or indifferent way, chances are he is manipulating you.

However, Huntington emphasizes that we must avoid being too suspicious.

“Most of us will go through our lives without being manipulated in this way,” says the psychologist.

But a little caution never hurts.

This text was published here