What to do when a friend disappears and doesn’t answer you anymore – 04/26/2023 – Balance

In my late 20s, one of my closest friends just disappeared.

We met in college and started drifting apart after graduation. He moved to the Midwest for graduate school and I stayed in New York, but we visited each other when our circumstances and budgets allowed. We also exchanged emails – often at first, then less. I tried not to think too much about the time our relationship ended, but I recently dug up my last email to him from 12 years ago.

“I am writing this as a last-ditch attempt to make contact,” I wrote in a note that makes me feel a combination of hurt and embarrassment, even today. “I hope we can reconnect.”

He didn’t answer, and I didn’t try again. It felt a lot like being left out.

“Ghosting” — when someone unilaterally cuts off communication without warning or explanation — has become a seemingly inescapable part of the modern dating scene, yet we pay much less attention to it as a phenomenon among friends.

However, research suggests that experiences like mine are quite common. In a 2018 study, 39% of participants said one of their friends is gone. And a study published earlier this year found that people often feel just as hurt after being dumped by a friend as they do after being dumped by a romantic partner.

“With ghosting, we know that there are four fundamental needs that are threatened,” says Gili Freedman, assistant professor of psychology at St. Mary’s College of Maryland, author of “Your Sense of Belonging, Your Sense of Meaningful Existence – That You Have a Place in the World, and That Place is Meaningful – Your Sense of Control, and Your Self-Esteem,” done in 2018.

Freedman cautioned that there hasn’t been any research on the best strategies to help someone deal with this near-missing friend — and he emphasized that most of the research on ghosting has focused on dating and romantic situations. But she and other experts who study friendship and the phenomenon offered several approaches that might help.

Validate your experience – and your pain

There’s “a certain shame” about being dumped by a friend, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and author of “Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend.” , in Portuguese). She believes a lot of this comes from the mythology that you should keep your friends for life, when in fact research from the Netherlands suggests that people can lose about half of their friends in their social network every seven years.

Simply reminding yourself that fluidity is a hallmark of friendship and that platonic ghosting is relatively pervasive can offer some comfort, says Levine, because it helps to normalize the experience.

“Try to step back and remember that not all friendships, even really good ones, last forever,” she points out.

It may also help to recognize that being dumped is a form of “ambiguous loss,” a psychology term that describes a loss without information or closure. Marisa Franco, a psychologist who studies friendships, says it’s normal to feel sad, angry or embarrassed. It’s also normal to ruminate on the fact.

Research suggests that simply naming feelings without trying to change or push them away — a technique known as “affect labeling” — can offer solace.

“Anything that helps you express emotions will ease the pain,” Franco points out. This might include journaling, crying, or talking to friends who won’t downplay your feelings. Try to validate your suffering in a compassionate way, she suggests, recognizing that your feelings connect you to others who have struggled with similar issues — an idea called “common humanity.”

(I, for one, found it cathartic to write this article and realize I’m not the only one who’s had such an experience.)

regain some control

Because ghosting is characterized by uncertainty, it can help “strengthen your need for control,” says Freedman. Focus your time and attention on areas of your life where you feel a sense of agency, she says. Is it at work? In certain hobbies? Pour your energy into these activities.

Adds Christina Leckfor, a doctoral student in social psychology at the University of Georgia, “If you feel like you’re being dismissed, try to fill that void in your life with the social connection of others. family members, you may still feel hurt by the experience, but I hope you don’t feel so alone”.

At the same time, while the phenomenon seems deeply personal, it can be helpful to “remember that getting dumped may not have anything to do with you,” says Levine. She noted, for example, that her friend might be struggling with mental health issues, an illness, or family issues, and “maybe not quite ready to share — even with an old friend.”

Please consider contacting us again.

Sometimes it’s obvious that a friend broke up with you, as was my case. But a lot of times, friendships just disappear. For example, an often-cited study of young adults found that physical separation was the most common reason friendships ended.

So consider the possibility that your friend isn’t deliberately dumping you, that life just got in the way.

“Usually friends don’t say, ‘I’m moving across the state to start a job, and then I won’t be in as much contact,'” says Jeffrey Hall, professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. He notes that friendship doesn’t have the same kind of clear expectations of behavior that romantic relationships tend to have.

It’s possible that if you reach out, they might thank you for your persistence, says Hall.

Even if you never get a response, it can at least help break the thought loop, says Franco. Taking the initiative can give you more of a sense that the friendship is really over, she advises, rather than leaving you guessing.

“You can just say, ‘Hey buddy, I haven’t heard from you in a while. At this point, I’m not sure you’re still interested in our friendship,'” Franco says. “Try to make him just be honest with you. I think those who add up tend to think that honesty is worse than ghosting.”

Translated by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves