‘Regretful mothers’ love their children, but hate motherhood – 05/13/2023 – Equilibrium

Rildes Mendonça, 37, has three teenage children. If she could go back though, she would have chosen not to be a mother. “I love my kids, but I hate being a mother,” she says.

She’s not the only one who feels this way. The subject has already yielded a book, scientific studies and many comments on social networks. Maternal regret is often associated with a lack of love for their children, but women who declare themselves “regretful mothers” actually question the social role assigned to motherhood and what they really don’t like is the weight that comes with the function.

In the case of Rildes, the feeling of overload linked to motherhood is the result of a combination of domestic violence, separation from the children’s parent, lack of family support and financial difficulties. However, she says that she also didn’t want to be a mother and that certainty was not changed by the birth of the children.

Two of her pregnancies were unplanned and, in the other, she was pressured by her partner. “I didn’t have any sex education. It wasn’t talked about in my family, which was very religious,” she reports.

What makes Rildes dissatisfied with motherhood, however, is not just a lack of planning, but the pressure to give up on herself. “Everything is your responsibility, you don’t have time for anything. I thought I was a monster for feeling that way, but today I understand and forgive myself.”

It was to tell these stories and welcome these women that Karla Tenório, 40, created the “Repentant mother” page on Instagram. The project started with a virtual theater show in 2021, which will have its first live season in July, in Rio de Janeiro. In addition to publicizing the presentation, the page is also used to bring testimonials from women who regret motherhood.

“If I could go back, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant,” says the actress. “I couldn’t stand being silent any longer, and the first way I found to express myself was artistic. Later, with the page, I saw that many other women identified and that this exchange also brought me healing.”

Karla’s pregnancy was desired and planned, but playing the role of mother was not as idealized. “I thought I wanted that, but there is a lot of social pressure involved. Today, I see that, at that moment and in that way, I was not prepared.”

On social networks, she also shares moments with her 12-year-old daughter, Flor Inaê. The daughter likes to participate in the project and understands her mother’s reflections, according to the actress. “When a mother assumes she is repentant, she doesn’t put that emotional burden on the child”, she points out.

The main objective of the project is to raise awareness about the need for public policies in favor of women’s mental health and to deconstruct the idealization of the role of mother. “It is this concept that I regret and want to break, so that women can exercise a lighter motherhood.”

Psychologist Luana Flor Hamilton, a maternity specialist, validates the reports. According to her, the feeling has a name: compulsory motherhood. The name wants to show that being a mother is not exactly a choice, but “a natural flow”.

According to the professional, women are seen since childhood based on their reproductive function, in addition to being impacted by romanticizations. Therefore, it is common for many to only understand the choice they made after becoming mothers.

“They experience these very ambiguous sensations, they realize that there is not only this innate love or the supposed maternal instinct, and many begin to blame themselves”, he points out.

A 2021 study states that maternal regret is not only linked to the lack of financial and emotional conditions to care for children, but to existing expectations of mothers.

Hamilton reinforces that, often, women who declare themselves regretful mothers or who assume the negative elements of motherhood are judged as bad or neglectful mothers, which is not necessarily true.

“They are suffering, taking care of their children and are not being welcomed”, he warns. “There is a very big difference between what we are told that motherhood is and what we find in reality.”

The expert recommends psychological follow-up to deal with the feeling. “It is necessary to understand what is leading to this dissatisfaction, to differentiate the experience of motherhood from the bond that exists with the children and to re-signify what it is to be a mother.”

The discussion gained momentum in English-speaking and European countries a few years ago after the publication of the book “Repentant Mothers”, by Israeli sociologist Orna Donath. In it, the author interviews a series of women who regretted motherhood.

Whether on social media, studies or books, a constant is the separation between regret and love for children.

Rita de Cassia Giobom, 58, experienced this feeling 34 years ago, when she was pregnant with her daughter. At the time, she says, the situation was even more complicated. “There wasn’t anyone who said that you could get tired and you didn’t need to be happy 24 hours a day”, she says.

For her, motherhood only made sense when she began to have more complex interactions with her daughter and saw her as the target of her teachings.

She says that she talks openly about her views on motherhood with her, and points out that it is important to talk about the subject so that other women can better understand her feelings.

“My love for my daughter is one thing. The process of motherhood and everything that comes with it is another,” she says. “I’m not crazy, I wasn’t born with a defect. I’m not a bad mother for feeling this way. I’m a woman.”