Introverts are happy when canceling social plans – 06/11/2023 – Equilibrium

Few things in life give me as much satisfaction as canceling social plans.

As a reporter who writes frequently about friendship, I am very aware of the benefits of bonding. I know, for example, that studies show that people who have strong social bonds live longer and are more protected against stress. And I’m aware of the evidence that a truly robust social circle spans different types of friendships, including co-workers (who help you feel more engaged and productive throughout the day) and so-called “weak ties” (casual acquaintances who can help you learn new things and benefit your sense of well-being in everyday life).

But I am who I am: an introvert who enjoys spending time alone. I admit that I rarely feel motivated to make new friends or even to meet the small group of friends I already have, which are few, but which I value a lot.

For me there is a real tension between the desire for camaraderie, connection and all the benefits of friendship on the one hand and the desire to be alone on the other. And the advice often given (including in my own articles) on how to make friends in adulthood tends to give me the creeps. Actively seek out other people? No, thank you.

“Everyone has a fundamental need to connect,” says social scientist Kasley Killam, founder and executive director of the nonprofit Social Health Labs, which seeks to create solutions to isolation and loneliness. “It’s not that introverts don’t need meaningful relationships. It’s just how much and what kind of connection varies.”

I asked experts who study introversion — and who self-identify as introverts — what we want and need from the people we bond with and how we can make new friends without distorting our personality or becoming exhausted from the effort.

How Introversion Shapes Friendship

There is no consensus among experts on the definition of introversion. Laurie Helgoe, a clinical professor at Augsburg University in Minneapolis and author of “Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength”, characterized it as an internal or inward orientation.

“I’m thinking of a person’s control center, their laboratory — the place where they process things,” says Helgoe. “For example, if you ask me how my day is going, I’ll take a moment, go to my internal lab, go over my day, and then prepare my answer. My husband, who is an extrovert, will say the first thing that pops into his head, simply to keep the conversation going, because his laboratory is external, it’s in the interaction with the other.”

She also points out that, according to research, the population is divided more or less equally between introverts and extroverts.

Others tend to define introversion in terms of how we respond to social stimuli. “The key characteristic of introversion is that social energy overloads you in less time, and you need more time to recharge your batteries,” says Marisa Franco, author of “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends” (Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, in Portuguese).

The terms “introvert”, “shy” and even “social anxiety” are often used interchangeably, but they do not mean the same thing. The American Association of Psychologists defines shyness as the tendency to feel awkward or tense in social interactions. Social anxiety disorder, on the other hand, is a mental health condition characterized by an intense and persistent fear of being observed and judged by others, a fear that interferes with the person’s daily life.

“Introverts are mistakenly perceived as being antisocial,” comments Susan Cain, author of “The Power of the Quiet: How Shy and Introverted People Can Change a World that Can’t Stop Talking.” “In reality, they are sociable in a different way.”

Cain says that introverts generally “prefer to use their social energy with people they’re close to, whereas extroverts are more re-energized by going to a party full of new people to meet.”

Killam noted that “introverts tend to make friends more gradually, while extroverts are more likely to have ‘friends at first sight’ experiences”;

But she believes that while introverts tend to prefer small groups of close friends, interacting with people they only know or having friendly chats with strangers is also healthy for them.

How Introverts and Extroverts Approach Friendship

Public discussion of introversion has grown over the last ten years, so much so that today there is an unofficially recognized World Introvert Day. But much of the advice on making and keeping friendships still seems to be addressed to extroverts and their enthusiasm for social interaction.

When I told Cain that advice to actively reach out to others makes me recoil, she says she feels the same way.

Luckily, she and other experts assured me that an introvert doesn’t have to become frivolous or superficial in order to have strong, healthy friendships. The strategies that follow can help.

take the initiative

Introverts, says Helgoe, are generally not fans of spontaneous encounters or making last-minute social plans.

For this very reason, taking the first step is a useful tactic, says Franco. Many people think that extroverts have more of a natural aptitude for initiating plans, but that’s a learned skill, she says, not an innate personality. And it has the added benefit of putting the person in control.

“Taking the initiative means that you have the power to choose an activity that you like”, he points out. “If you can embrace the idea of ​​being the person initiating interactions, even if you’re an introvert, you can choose the most restorative activity for you.”

If the plans you made go wrong, live! You get some unexpected alone time, hints at Helgoe, who is delighted when plans are canceled.

“My best friend and I jokingly say that we are so understanding of each other when that happens,” she said, laughing.

Look for people and places you feel comfortable with

Introverts prefer to stay in their comfort zone, says Helgoe. They also like people they feel comfortable with, that is, friends who don’t feel obligated to keep talking the whole time you’re together (nor do they expect you to). Dates that revolve around an activity you do together can be more enjoyable than social gatherings where the main focus is conversation, she says.

An easy way to gauge how comfortable you are with a person is to pay attention to how you feel after spending time with them.

“Introverts can find friend X really energizing,” says Killam. “They can spend hours with this person and not feel the least bit drained, although in general spending time with others can be tiring.”

Take advantage of your natural tendency to get people to open up

Social research describes the existence of a group of “open” people, says Franco. “They tend to be good at getting other people to open up to them.”

Introverts often fall into this category. They are good listeners, ask questions, and prefer to develop strong bonds with a small group of friends. Research shows that introverts, more than extroverts, feel more socially connected when having intimate conversations with others.

“Having a deep, intimate conversation means so much more to an introvert,” Killam points out. “I’ll talk about myself, for example. I love having dinner with one friend at a time.” She says these encounters “feed your soul”.

“I think that applies to all introverts. We tend to feel energized by interactions like that, a little deeper.”

Translated by Clara Allain