I’m against – 09/10/2023 – The Worst of the Week

Renato writes to me asking if I know a profile on Instagram called “Coisas que Sou Contra” and asks me to list, within the same proposal, everything that bores, upsets and disturbs me.

I am against waking up early, waking up in the cold and waking up earlier to do things calmly.

I am against those who send audio while eating, climbing stairs or in the bathroom. I’m against those who send messages to ask for a favor and just write “hi, how are you?” and you are still obliged to ask what the unfortunate man wants, instead of him saying it right away.

I’m against people who say “thin line”, “I’m a person who…”, “that’s about it!” or “that’s about it and it’s okay”, “I love with a passion” and “a kiss on the heart”.

I’m against the words “management”, “engagement”, “bombshell” and against the expressions “it’s poppy” and “you’ve got your stomach turned”.

I’m against anyone who chews imaginary gum, against having to write letters and numbers to prove that I’m not a robot, against a chef who refuses to wipe down that bloody mouthful he served me.

And also against people who understand a lot about types of coffee and look like they have a doctorate in hermeneutics when you order a coffee.

I’m against that writer who thinks he’s far superior to you because he earns less money than you. I’m against that philosopher who thinks he’s much superior to the writer who thinks he’s superior to you, because he makes even less money than all of us and I’m against the visual artist in crisis for 16 years who hasn’t earned a cent (and that, yes, is a supreme god against everyone who is sold).

I’m against those who say they train, those who say they work out, those who say they’re going to sweat and those who write “it’s paid” in the caption of a photo at the gym.

I’m against running shoes with jeans, the movie “Into the Wild”, white eyeliner, forcing children to kiss grandpa and the smell of Angel perfume.

I’m against thin people who use ozempic, vagina pairing, wine pairing with food and against the 78 actresses who did facial pairing and all looked like Deborah Secco or that woman in Gugu’s bathtub.

I’m against Twitter, against Twitter commentators who believe it’s a job, and against having to call Twitter by another name.

I’m against a yellowed shirt in the armpit, greasy collar and frayed socks on the heel.

I’m against the beach at New Year’s, clapping for the sunset, against eating fried shrimp on the beach, shitting yourself and thinking you’re not to blame for it. And, above all, I am against “let’s travel very cheaply” after 35 years.

I’m against running at 5 am, spaces in São Paulo that imitate beach sand, people who have a “call” and Vila Olímpia.

I’m against Brazilian parents speaking English with their children in the bakery, people who moan while drinking water, musical yawns and against Instagram having become an endless stage for exhausted white women in the postpartum period. It’s okay, it can be difficult, it’s necessary to talk, important. But zzzzzzz, bro, I can’t take it anymore.

I’m against surfing businesspeople, Buddhist businesspeople, businesspeople who cite the book “The Tipping Point” as a major turning point in their lives and journalists who are scared of artificial intelligence.

I’m against all marketing events that suddenly started to be called “summits” and all naughty courses within companies that suddenly started to be called “webinars”. I am against the fact that anyone and everyone, however unprepared they may be, sell their own online course (myself included).

I am against a pediatrician who calls his patient’s mother mother, a husband who calls his son’s mother mother and a mother who calls herself mother when she talks to her husband.

I’m against arrogant people who say it’s just shyness and against very reserved people wanting to be close friends.

I am against adults who collect dolls, adults who collect cars, adults who collect dolls, adults who collect anything and children who collect.

I’m against “You Decide”, against an interactive theater play and a restaurant that brings the food to finish being prepared in front of you. And I’m against an inn where you make your own breakfast.

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