How to talk to your kids about school attacks – 03/29/2023 – Equilibrium

Schools are often a safe place for parents to leave their children. After all, they will be in a controlled, supervised and organized environment especially for their development. So, what to do when this security is broken and the school becomes a place subject to violence?

Attacks like the ones on the 27th, in which a 13-year-old student killed a teacher and left 5 other students injured at a school in the west zone of São Paulo, could create generalized insecurity in parents and students. Since August 2022, there has been more than one such attack per month in Brazil.

To address the issue at home and deal with fears and traumas, experts recommend embracing children’s feelings and seeking expert help when necessary.

How to start a conversation about it?

At first, the most important thing is to maintain a welcoming posture and an active listening space. According to Danila Zambianco, doctoral candidate in Education at Unicamp (University of Campinas) and specialist in socio-emotional skills, the approach can change depending on how the child participated in the situation.

If the student has witnessed it, the specialist recommends waiting for the school’s guidelines on how to approach the subject at home.

However, if it is someone far from what happened, parents and relatives can start the subject by commenting on the news and trying to understand what the young person knows about what happened.

To say “I heard some really bad news today about a school, did you hear?” can be a good way to start a conversation, says the expert.

From there, Zambianco recommends probing what the student knows about the subject. The ideal is to inform succinctly and also clarify false information, avoiding judgments and assumptions.

“Nothing should be hidden from students, because they have all the information on their cell phones”, reinforces Elaine Alves, a researcher at the Institute of Psychology at USP (University of São Paulo) and coordinator of Niped (Center for Psychosocial Intervention in Emergencies and Disasters ).

The indication is to be as realistic as possible and try to understand how the young person feels and what he would like to talk about. “Some need to talk a lot about the subject, others don’t. This must be respected”, says Alves.

What must be addressed?

Zambianco also recommends talking about the appropriate reaction to each situation. The expert recommends using phrases that warmly question the child or adolescent, such as “When we don’t agree with something, how can we resolve it? Even when we get very angry? What can we or can’t we do?”.

In this first conversation, the proposal is to inform the student and open space to talk about feelings. Considerations of why an attack is made or value judgments are not productive.

“It is necessary to welcome, that is, to show support and listening and not to impose feelings at that moment. Let them say how they feel, when they want to say it”, says the specialist.

It is also not recommended to rush the children or impose what the parents consider correct at that moment, but to respect the student’s pain and feelings.

What to do if children are afraid to go back to school?

Before, Zambianco highlights what not to do: watching the news on the subject compulsively and constantly commenting on the subject in front of children is not recommended. “It’s not a matter of hiding what happened, but of giving things the proper measure,” she says.

Dealing with fear is only possible after identifying where it comes from. For example, if what scares you is the possibility of a new attack, knowing the security strategies being established by the school can help.

The family can also think of personalized strategies. Zambianco suggests phrases like: “When you feel scared at school, what can you do to feel safe?”.

These strategies should be temporary, until the student feels safe again.

Specialist Elaine Alves points out that symptoms of post-traumatic stress are common in the first 30 days after the event. Many children may have, for example, nightmares and other sleep problems.

How can the family deal with its own fear?

The family must be transparent with the young people, making it clear that the situation is distressing and expressing their own feelings. “It’s important for parents to place themselves in a true way”, says Alves. “Fear is expected.”

The psychologist recommends accepting your own feelings and recognizing that they are valid. In addition, seeking out the school and other families to elaborate concerns and understand the strategies that are being established can help.

Despite this, parents and guardians must manage their own fear so that it is not transferred to children in an exaggerated way.

For this, it is important to check the veracity of news and avoid heated discussions in the digital environment.

The strategies used to calm children can be replicated by adults themselves, but it is also essential to keep in touch with the educational institution and other responsible bodies to receive updated information on safety strategies and demand dialogue and reception policies.

When to seek professional help?

The first step recommended by experts is to establish conversations with the young person and the school to see if there is any way to deal with the situation internally.

Educator Danila Zambianco says that not being able to go back to school, experiencing severe or prolonged suffering, and self-mutilation are some signs that call for attention from parents and family members.

“They are examples of situations that may indicate that they need help from a professional”, he points out.

Psychologist Belinda Mandelbaum, coordinator of the Laboratory of Family Studies at USP, points out that children often do not express the need for help verbally. Many have emotional manifestations and psychosomatic (physical) symptoms.

“There needs to be this sensitivity of the surrounding adults to these different manifestations, which can be verbal or non-verbal”, he emphasizes. Sleeping and eating problems, for example, can also be part of it.

If the student has seen it, is it recommended to change schools?

At first, all wishes and considerations must be heard.

However, Mandelbaum says that moving children to different schools is not an effective strategy. “It doesn’t guarantee safety as this is a bigger issue,” he says.

The moment must be faced collectively, as it is not an individual matter. Strategies to deal with trauma will mostly be organized in educational institutions through conversation circles and other meetings.

In addition to being a way to avoid dealing with the trauma, changing schools can end up making the process more difficult and leaving the child more isolated. “It is a situation in which collective work is very important”, emphasizes Mandelbaum.