How a relationship expert resolves conflicts – 05/13/2023 – Equilibrium
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Author and therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, who specializes in marriage and family relationships, has made her career helping couples deal with conflicts big and small.
Thus, she uses strategies that she considers efficient in her own relationship. Among her practices are speaking clearly and correctly what she needs, as well as sometimes pausing in the middle of discussions.
I asked her about what resources she uses at work and in her marriage. See below.
SPEAK YOUR FEELINGS
When Earnshaw feels an argument brewing with her husband, she tells him — out loud — what she’s feeling, both physically and emotionally.
For example, you might say something like, “I’m talking a mile a minute right now because I’m so angry and I want to scream.” Describing her feelings lets both of you know that she is about to lash out or shut up (which can further escalate the argument), and that she needs time to compose herself.
TAKE A BREAK
Pausing in the middle of an argument can be difficult, but it’s one of the most powerful tools Earnshaw uses to avoid full blown eruptions. She tries not to run away, which can cause feelings of abandonment or anger. Instead, she says something like, “I’m overflowing. I need to take a break right now, but I still love you and I’ll be ready to talk about it again later.”
SAY EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED
Instead of saying, “I don’t want you to come home late anymore,” she suggests saying something like, “I need you to come home when you said so—and if you can’t, I need you to text me.”
SPEAK THE RIGHT WAY
Using statements that involve “I” instead of those that use “you” is a cliché in couples therapy — and for good reason, Earnshaw said. Focusing on your own emotions can help prevent defensiveness. But she cautioned that people sometimes use first-person statements to hide criticism. A true statement focuses on what you feel and why.
CLOSE THE CYCLE
Once she’s calmed down after an argument, Earnshaw makes a point of getting together with her husband to talk about what happened between them and talk briefly about how they could better broach the subject — or heated arguments in general — in the future.
Translated by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves
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