Find out what to do when your child is bullied – 07/12/2023 – Equilibrium

Discovering that the child is being bullied brings questions and even denial to the parents, who are surprised that they do not notice the signs. Abuse, lack of emotional control and disorders are among the causes of violence, which affects victims and aggressors alike.

After the discovery, it is indicated to seek professional help, in addition to understanding the approach chosen by the educational institution. It is also important to know the reasons that led the child and adolescent to this behavior, since bullying can be a reaction to other aggressions or an attempt to join new groups.

A 2019 study published by the Faculty of Medicine of USP (University of São Paulo) shows that 29% of adolescents were victims of bullying, while 16% confirmed that they had already practiced. A survey carried out by the IBGE (Brazilian Institute of Geography and Statistics) in the same year showed that about 40% of Brazilian students suffer aggression.

Among them is João (fictitious name, at the request of those responsible) who responds to four lawsuits in court for practicing cyberbullying against girls at his school. At age 17, he took a knife into the living room, was discovered and institutionalized for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Parents, who also prefer anonymity, were unable to read the messages sent to their colleagues. They only know that they are persecutions and incentives for them to kill themselves. “I get really bad,” says the father. “We only found out because the girls went to court. He was always very quiet.”

Signs that a child or teen is being bullied include isolation and aggression that can be directed toward siblings, relatives, and pets.

According to Patrícia Guillon Ribeiro, master in psychology of childhood and adolescence and professor at PUC-PR (Pontifical Catholic University of Paraná), young people do not show many changes in their behavior pattern, but they can become more aggressive, with low tolerance for frustration , poor emotional regulation and less impulse control.

The teacher claims that the aggressor lacks empathy, is capable of causing harm and finding it funny, in addition to often reproducing what he sees at home. “He has aggressive parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, passing on the value of overcoming and subjugating.”

The school can also be a disabling factor by treating the aggressor as a problem, leading to low self-esteem. “Because of this, it is very difficult for parents to recognize that their children are perpetrators. But the behavior is not one-off, it has already been happening”, says Ribeiro.

When parents find out “the tendency is to deny it, because they have a totally idealized view of their child and cannot see it”, points out psychologist Nei Ricardo de Souza, specialist in Family Health and professor at Universidade Positivo. Afterwards, they are perplexed and without action. Finally, they tend to adopt questioning and punitive postures.

When Maria (not her real name, upon request) learned that her 10-year-old daughter was being bullied, she was “disturbed”. The girl arrived at school showing off her new clothes and humiliating a classmate, whom she called poor for receiving donations of used clothes.

“I lost my mind and even patted her to scare her, so she won’t do it anymore, because we’re not raising her for that”, he says. “It was very difficult, as we had never done it or had gone through it.”

Bullying then spread among students through threats to the victim, who no longer wanted to go to school. She doesn’t know if her daughter did it out of malice, but she explained the consequences of the action, which can reach extreme acts, “like when we see innocent children killed in schools”.

The need to assert themselves makes the aggressors look for others like them, forming groups with potential for social recognition. “He wants to be seen as a leader, more agile and aggressive, becoming a motivation of strength and power for the group”, says Souza.

Reasons for the practice may be related to abuse and anxiety or personality disorders. Therefore, seeking professional help becomes essential.

In addition to treating the child, it is also necessary to evaluate the parents, who have to deal with the frustration of realizing that their child is not what they thought. “When this feeling is strong, it can indicate that there is no acceptance and validation of the child”, emphasizes Ribeiro.

“We need to recognize that children are individuals with their own identities and that they will not always correspond to what we expect from them”, says the psychologist.

Parents who fail to deal with the problem may be held liable in court and have to compensate victims for moral and material damages caused by their children.

What to do if your child or teenager is bullying

• Seek specialized help with a psychologist – the act can mean inconvenience;
• Go to the school and understand how bullying has been happening and how they are working on the problem;
• Try to understand, alongside the educational institution, if this practice is not an attempt to be accepted by a group;
• Verify that the child or adolescent is not also being bullied;
• Talk and try to verify the reasons for acts against colleagues;
• Realize if your judgment as a responsible person is not being excessive or too rigid and demanding.